Scream!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it! I really want to scream out all of my tension off my head but I can't.. Not here in the middle of city full with people who might think that I am crazy if I do exactly that, screaming..

Screaming is a way of releasing tension out of our mind system though not supposedly being done frequently but occasionally.. Mean we cannot overdo it or other consequences might happen..

Back to my teenage years when I am still in my village, I used to scream whenever I feel like I can't take more pressure because it makes me feel good afterward.. screaming loose out my pressure knotted mind and make it think better and clearly afterward.. And I did it in the middle of our paddy field, screaming like maniac echoed by my mother angry voice, asking me what happened while I simply laughed like idiot..

However, here in Malaya I have to go to recreational parks such as Sunway Lagoon, Genting Highland, Bukit Gambang etc. just to scream out my tension.. Such a costly way that make me choose to cry in the dark of my room instead..  Or screaming out my lung to my pillow... Well, we have to be creative sometimes I guess even in finding the best and cheapest way to flush out our pressure..

I guess I will go to one of those recreational park along with my kids and husband because we need a break after all..

Enough is enough..

I start my day at office with tension and headache gripping my mind.. Why should those people keep asking me about that person problem.. Ya, we might be living together but it doesn't mean i know every single move that person did.. That person also never tell what he gonna do unless that person want me to help him lying and I hate that the most.. All my life I been helping that person too many time without asking anything except some changes in that person habits..

I received a call from those people asking me the arrival time of mine at office and I tell those people the truth ; 8.50am because I don't suspect anything.. Then those people tell me that that person only arrived at office at 9.30am and those people said they don't like it.. All i can say  is; really because as matter of fact it's none of my business.. I work for other company and those people don't have the right to ask me about me and they also don't have to use me to spy on that person.. This act really out of working ethics. However I can't be mad at those people because they asked me nicely.

The problem is that person.. That person acted without thinking of the consequences.. When problem arise, that person blame other people than admitting that he is wrong.. I hate this behavior the most!! there nothing wrong in admitting our mistake.. People will respect us more if we are humble enough to admit that we are wrong than lying to cover up our mistake.. I have learn from the hardest way that lying won't solve anything because once we lied we tend to create more lies and that mean we are living in lies..

I am ashamed of that person behavior and attitude.. That person see the worst in other people but he never realize that he is the worst.. Me too is not perfect because I admit that I have done so many mistake in my life as many as that person.. The difference is I regret every single mistake I have done while that person never and will never admit that he is wrong..

I am tired and i feel just want to give up hope in that person.. Or maybe I already give up because right now the only strength i have are inspire by my children.. They are the reason why I am still alive and fighting hard to give them the best in life..

Fave songs of my daughter & baby boy

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

Repeat:
 *Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!*

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.
(*repeat)

Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
(*repeat)

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
Till the sun is in the sky.
(*repeat)

As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveller in the dark,—
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
(*repeat)

That's it.. Twinkle twinkle little star! Both of my daughter and baby boy love this rhymes very much.. My baby boy always humming this rhymes when he is playing inside his cot drawn in his own world.. While my daughter sing this song with her own version that make my husband and me laugh whenever we heard of it..

This is another favorite song of my daughter & baby son :-

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie Ft. Rihanna

What can I say... They just like this song very much!!!! Every time they heard it on air or watch the video music on tv, they will started singing and dancing.. Moody atmosphere will definitely vanish watching this two tiny people competing each other...

Nightmares and Sweet Dreams..

I am one of those people who can sleep through the night without any dreams, bad or good if I am in good state of health, emotionally and physically. Yet if i can choose, I rather have a sweet dreams then nightmares and I believe everyone want a sweet dreams instead of nightmares. In fact everyone hate nightmares! Unfortunately, we cannot choose what we gonna dream about.. Even the process of dreaming is still a mystery and no logic explanation available though many scientific research have been done that bring on more fascination about it..

I am not gonna explain about dreams because it's such a complex topic but you can read more about it at this link ---->Dream : Wikipedia

I still remember how I dream constantly about my father every night after he passed away that cause me awake and crying after that. This happened for months and effected my health emotionally and physically. To me, dreaming about my father is not a nightmare no matter what kind of dream it is.. It's not the dream that effected my health but it was my regret, guilt and my stubbornness to accept that my father is gone that caused all of those health havoc.But now, I am doing fine though I still dream about my father from time to time..

The scariest nightmare i ever have is to be trapped in a house full with worm!!! I am phobia with worm!! I don't know how it happened and when it start about but I do scare of worm. I can stand with reptile such as snake but anything come close as worm will scare me to death..As for my kids, I only know my eldest son nightmare because he will tell me about it right after I wake him up to get ready for school and so far the scariest, according to me is being chased away by zombie..( Laughing ) As for my Hubby, I think the scariest one is the he dreamed about right after he was released from the worst moment of his life.. The memory of him hugging me and the kids and crying while telling his dream will always stuck in my mind for the rest of my life.. Who said guy can't cry..Even the toughest guy will cry if he dream something like that and I won't tell what is my hubby dream all about because the dream is him to tell not mine.

If nightmare exist so do sweet dreams and talking about sweet dream make me smiling like a an idiot.. Well, i think the sweetest dream I ever have so far is to meet and fall in love with the guy I have a big crush on when I am in secondary school but I won't mention who he was because it will embarrass me.. At least he fall for me in my dreams, hahahahaha.. As for my hubby, I guess the sweetest dream he ever have ( so far ) is winning a Jackpot in his dream!!!

 You see, nightmares and sweet dream is just a part of human life.. Yet nightmares can effected us badly if we are weak enough and sweet dreams can drift us away from reality if we let it be.. So, It's okay to have a nightmares and sweet dream as long as we always on reality checked.

Dusun language days for my kids !!

I feel that teaching Dusun language to my kids and hubby is one of my priority nowadays because i found out that they are really poor with it. I spoke mixed language ( malay + english + Dusun ) with them and i think it's not enough since they barely talk in Dusun though they understand it.

I ask my eldest son to answer me in Dusun language whenever I talk with them using Dusun but he said  " Mama, it's sound weird and funny ". Yet he did try talking in Dusun with me in the end after arguing with me. My 2nd son is the funniest one since he like to imitating me speaking in Dusun and then start asking me with his never ending question such as " why should he learn speaking in Dusun? ", " why he have to speak in dusun with his Odu?", " How come his mother, me can speak in Dusun very good?" and many more other question that will make me snapped at him sometimes.. I hope I can do better with my daughter and youngest son since they are still in early age and according to expert it's better if we teach them to excel in languages since early ages.

My husband is the worst because he refuse to speak in Dusun though he can understand it.. He said he is too old to start learning it but I know it's just an excuses since there is no limit in learning.. Maybe it's a bit difficult but if we keep on practice we can be good at it.. Hopefully i can persuade him to try speaking in Dusun sometimes with me. However i am proud because he did understand it..

As for me, I am still good with my Dusun language and I am very proud with it.. I want my kids to speak it because I don't want my mother tongue being forgotten by future generation.. Although my kids were not born in Sabah but my blood, Sabahan blood is in their blood and that make them one of Sabahan too.. I guess i need to be more persistent to courage my kids speak in Dusun.. For a start, i will fix some day in a week for dusun speaking only in my home so that my kids will know that i am serious with it.

Hopefully my kids can speak Dusun better after this...

INSOMNIA ATTACK...

Since last week, insomnia is attacking me again. I can't have a peaceful sleep during night and cause me to wake up with migrain and stress in the morning time due to lack of good night sleep. I am thinking of consume sleeping pills if this situation prolong but i know that it's not the best solution beside i don't like taking pills.

Insomnia is most frequently defined by an individual's report of sleeping difficulties or sometimes described as sleeping disorder demonstrated by polysomnographic of disturbed sleep.

Types of insomnia

Insomnia can be classified as transient, acute, or chronic.

1. Transient insomnia lasts for less than a week. It can be caused by another disorder, by changes in the sleep environment, by the timing of sleep, severe depression, or by stress. Its consequences - sleepiness and impaired psychomotor performance - are similar to those of sleep deprivation
2. Acute insomnia is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period of less than a month.
3. Chronic insomnia lasts for longer than a month. It can be caused by another disorder, or it can be a primary disorder. Its effects can vary according to its causes. They might include muscular fatigue, hallucinations, and/or mental fatigue; but people with chronic insomnia often show increased alertness.^[Some people that live with this disorder see things as if they are happening in slow motion, wherein moving objects seem to blend together. Can cause double vision.

Many expert suggested  attention to sleep hygiene is an important first line treatment strategy and should be tried before any pharmacological approach is considered. Pharmacological treatments have been used mainly to reduce symptoms in acute insomnia; their role in the management of chronic insomnia remains unclear. It's mean, we need to figure out what cause the insomnia before we can tackle it down and have a good night sleep and say bye to panda eyes..

I think i will skip the sleeping pills and try to figure out why did i have this sleeping problem 1st so that i can sort it out from my mind.. I guess it's must have something to do with my anxiety and stress-out mind due to my personal problem.

PIECE OF MY HEART..

I am writing this not because i want to humiliate anybody but i only want to express what i feel deep inside my heart before it take away my sanity and strength. for almost 10 years I have to live with betrayal and pain because i make the wrong choice in my life and i don't want any other girls out there make the same mistake.

I don't know how  i survived with all of those pain that i have through because some of it really traumatized me and broke my self senses from inside. I don't have anyone here in Malaya who can support me morally. I rather keep it in my heart than discuss it with any of my in law family because i learned from the past. My family live far away from me back at Sabah and the only connected us is telephone. My father is the who always there to listen to me pouring out all my heart before this but since he passed away 4 years ago, i don't any except my mother yet i don't want to burden her.

I don't want to mention who hurt me over and over again. whenever that person lost his temper, he will start threatening me and humiliate me in public with his attitude and words. He promise to change but he never did. I really want to be free from him but he is important to my family. I have sacrificed too much for him but he never appreciate any of it.

I pray to God to give me strength and patience but I am no angel and my patience is limited. I know one day i have to let him go and i hope by that time i am strong enough to do so.. I believe God is fair in everything. I have to admit that i have a foul mouth but i am not a bad person. I don't hold grunge because I let God do the punishment for me.

Story Of My Father, My Idol..

MY BELOVED FATHER

Dunggi Marudin, that is my beloved father name. He has 14teen kids; 7 kids frm his 1st wife and 7 kids from his 2nd wife ( my mother ). I don't know much about his work background though he did told me about it so many but it was my fault for being so unobservant.

My father loves all of his kids though he rarely show it but as a person who always spent a lot of time with him before I leave my village to pursue my study, I know that he loves all of his kids unconditionally. Some of us did complained that he was unfair in showing his love yet the truth is he never differ his love to any of us. 

My father was not a wealthy man. He did not own a huge bungalow or fancy car yet he did inherited some good properties from his parent. He manage to support us till we are able to support ourselves. He is very good in fixing thing especially electronic stuff and also vehicles. Some of us did inherited his talent in fixing thing.

My father is the kindest man I have ever know but he is not a pious man. Though he was christian follower yet never go to church or attending anything concerning with religion. I did wonder why and even asked him once when I was still a little kid but all he said; you will understand when you grew up. I understand very much now the reason. He never gossiped about other people though some people always talked bad about him. If people done injustice to him, he never complain though i knew he was sad and disappointed with certain people and I am one of those people who make him sad and disappointed.

My father was the one who asked my siblings to seek and search for me when I was missing, lost my way of life. My mother said he tried to play tough during those period of times yet he was crying every night just thinking of me and even fell sick for worrying too much about me and for that i regret every single thing I have done for causing his misery.

My father accepted me and still love me like before although my other family already considered me as the black sheep in the family after betraying my family trust and tarnished their reputation. My father forgave me and even supported me through my choice of life path. He become my adviser, motivated me to stand up and prove to all people that I still can raised from my fall. 

My father is my idol and will always be. I still remember our last conversation on the night before he was gone. He asked me to never give up no matter what happened because things happened for reason. Those 15min conversation through phone was the last conversation I have with him. (I couldn't even hug my father for the last time). My father was gone forever but to me he is always here close to my heart and i do believed he is up there watching over  me.

My other siblings might have their own story about him but this is my story about him.. But no matter what their story, I believed that all of my siblings love him dearly. He was the center of our life. Without him, we are not who we are now.

I only have 2 pics of my father but I don't need any pic to recall all of our memory together because it's right here in my mind and my heart.

4 years have passed

I’ll never forget the day

Someone rang to tell me

That you’d gone away

The hurt is the same

Still here in my heart
Like an open wound

Keep bleeding when those date approached

There are days
I don’t utter a sound
Some days the pain is stronger
It makes me sick and weak
I can’t stand the pain and regret

I just sit and weep

I was your princess

Daddy's little girl

I took my own path
But still you never cast me away

Yet I am still part of your world

You were like a rock

Strong, faithful and true

What worth has my life

Now I don’t have you

I was not the best

I even the worst

Guilty of neglect

But you know daddy dearest

I had so much respect for you

I always love you

My dad, my idol

Now my pain is
To miss you from afar

MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PEACE

Are you punishing or abusing your child??

Child abuse is not a new issues and I believe that it still happened somewhere out there right now when we are busy with our routine, there are still helpless children being punished more than they should be, more than they should endure..

Child abuse is the physical, sexual or emotional mistreatment of children. Reading the journal of child abuse and neglect online really give me pang of guilty because unconsciously me too have done something consider as abuse to my own children though all i intended to do is to punish them for their mischievousness. It never crossed to my mind that threatening them emotionally is considered as abusive. It's not like i threatening to kill them, i just said i will cut their finger if they do it again yet i never meant single words. I just said it to scared them off of repeating their mischief.

The journal really open my eyes and mind that there are load of other way into punishing and teaching our kids than starting to abuse them physically or emotionally. The journal said it better if we show them the example of result of their mischief might cause than punishing them. Kids tend to observe tender and gentle words than harsh and mean word..

A home should be a safe haven for our kids not a place where they cringed and hide because of insecurity by their own  flesh and blood. A home should be a place where our kids grow up with warmth of love and kindness.. I am planning to change the way of my approaching in teaching my kids what good and bad, what they can and can't do etc.


Shedding tears for those helpless kids is not enough and will never do good unless we are taking some action with it. We can begin with our own family. How can we preached about stopping child abuse when it does happened in our own family. Before we condemned and talked about other people, why not we ourselves understand the true definition of child abuse than you might surprised to know that you too have abuse your own child in the way that your never thought should be consider abusive. Remember that violence won't do any goods either on children or adult. It's only make thing worst..

Baby die at daycare centre & SIDS

Baby dies at daycare centre

I am surfing through the star online when this headline catch my attention.. Not again, i said to myself right after i read this title..

My 1st impression is the daycare center must be careless..

But after reading the news further, I feel a bit guilty for jump into conclusion before knowing the whole story.. and the story make me think of sudden death infant syndrome (SIDS)..

What is sudden death infant syndrome? Typically the infant is found dead after having been put to bed, and exhibits no signs of having suffered. However, it should only be applied to an infant whose death is sudden and unexpected and remains unexplained after the performance of an adequate postmortem investigation including:

1. an autopsy;
2. investigation of the scene and circumstances of the death;
3. exploration of the medical history of the infant and family

The cause of SIDS is unknown. Although studies have identified risk factors for SIDS, such as putting infants to bed on their stomachs, there has been little understanding of the syndrome's biological cause or potential causes. The frequency of SIDS appears to be a strong function of the infant's sex, age and ethnicity, and the education and socio-economic-status of the infant's parents.

In the case of above headlines, I really hope that the baby death is related to SIDS and nothing to do with the people who manage the daycare centre.. I have a kids being taken care by other people and news like this really terrified me.. People to whom we entrust our kids should carry their responsibility honestly..