Time Heals?

10 years since my father passed away yet all the memories I had with him still blooming in my heart and mind. Those memories keep me strong in the midst of my longing heart of him.

I try to look strong yet sometimes I isolated myself in my room, crying my heart out when I couldn't stand the pain of missing him. The longing intensified when I have some matters that I can only confide in him because I don't know to whom I can turn to... In the end I confide to Allah, knowing that my father will listen to it too.

Time heals? Yeah, maybe but I knew my heart will never whole again because part of me died the day my father passed away. Like the past years, on this day I give in to my longing for you, crying out all those negative feeling so that tomorrow I will wake up to face the world with new determination.

Rest in peace my beloved bapa. I know you are always watching over me from up there..

Get Well Soon Dear Mom

Mom admitted to hospital again. This time due to dengue fever. News that I received from my brother few hours ago. Already called my mom to ask how she is and she said she ia getting better yet my heart still in pain because I cannot rush back home to take care of her (*teary eyes). 

During a moment like this, I tend to hate everything that separate me from my mom; I hate the distance, I hate the expensive flight ticket, I hate my job, I hate my life and mostly I hate myself for unable to be by her side when she is not well. Kalau setakat hours driving, I will definitely drive back at this wee hour just to be with her(*sighed). All I can do for now is praying for her fast recovery.

Get well soon ama. I am really sorry for not being there with you. By hook or by crook, I will definitely visit you soon.

credited to Mr Google

Ilyas Kindie Graduation Day

Finally, after 2 years my youngest son graduated from kindergarten. Relief? Yeah of course because no need to pay hundreds ringgit monthly fee anymore and can save the money for kiddos future education. Mahal oh yuran tadika sekarang, lebih kurang macam yuran pelajar universiti (*sigh).

Next year he will attending the same primary school as his other siblings and start 2 session of school; KAFA in the morning and primary school in the afternoon. Knowing his habit of hard to wake up early, I wonder how in the world I am going to handle him next year, LOL!

Anyway, congratulation dear son on completing your 1st stage of education level and all the best to the new chapter of education that you will encounter ahead you. I hope you will enjoy the journey of learning and may everything you learn will guide and enlighten you throughout your life journey.

Missing Him

Assalamualaikum.

Salam Eid Adha to all muslims. May this celebration bring happiness and barakath to all of us. Just want to warn you all to skip my page if you don't want to read soppy story because apparently this going to be one today.

9 years ago today, I lost my beloved father and part of myself that I always wish I am asleep for the whole September. I was born on September and I lost someone I love dearly on the same month. How ironic is that? Green Day's song "wake me up when September end" define my feeling well (*sighed).

People said the every wound will heal over time and yes, it will heal but it will leave a scar that will remind you a deep wound existed there before and you'll remember the pain you been thru. It will stop bleeding and the pain will subside slowly over time yet the memories will remain, forever stamped deep inside you mind and heart that will automatically replay with certain button.

Since 2006, 24th September will automatically remind me of what I lost on that day. It remind me of the pain I have thru since that day. It remind that he is no longer there at home waiting for me with his smile, he is no longer at the other side of the phone to listen to my whining and complaint of life, he is no longer there to back me up against those who hate me and importantly he is no longer there to advise and admonish me to stand up and fight back when I stumble and fall down in my life.

On this day I allowed myself to re-live the memories with him and then cry over it so that I will wake up the next day and days after with determination to make him proud of me.

Rest in peace bapa. I might be not as successful as others but I will try to become a better person, a good daughter, a good mother, a good wife and make you proud because I believe you are watching from above.

Mourning Heart

It's been 4 days since the shocking 6.0magnitude earthquakes hitting my beloved hometown, Ranau and our symbolic Mount Kinabalu yet I am still unable to give full concentration over work for what happened there. I may not there but my thought, heart and soul always wander back to my hometown.

Being a pure Dusun, who speak fluent Dusun and I grew up with customs and rules (it's in my blood) even after I have my own faith(religion), it really hurt me to read and listen to people mocking and making fun of my ancestors belief over recent earthquake that altered Mount Kinabalu forever. No matter how ridiculous their belief might sound, it's really wrong and unethical for us to ridicule their belief. Who we are to judge their faith and belief ?

Blaming others is not my nature because I believe everything happened for reason that only the Almighty God know. I feel so sad to the families of those who lost their lives on the Mount Kinabalu. I can only offer my prayer to them so that they will be given the strength and will-power to face the grieves of losing their loved one. I believe all of us, Sabahan wherever we are, mourning and crying in silence over the life lost and effected over the earthquake that hit Mount Kinabalu on that fateful day.

Call me paranoia but I am still worried for my family and friends back in Ranau because natural disaster is unpredictable but I am hoping and praying that everyone will be safe. Mom said the spirit of the sacred mountain is showing its anger over the recent disrespectful act by several tourist during their hiking trip. Menurut cerita orang-orang tua, Ranau akan ditimpa musibah besar kalau Gunung Kinabalu runtuh.. Wallahu a'lam..

Yesterday yet I am still mourning over the loses..

Life goes on but they will never be forgotten..

Borneo International Marathon 2015

This year I participated in Borneo International Marathon 2015 on 3rd May 2015 at Stadium Likas, marking my 4th Half Marathon and my 1st event in Sabah, my homeland. It was also my 1st time running with diarrhea all along the 21km due to my naivety over carbo-loading subject, huh! Luckily I made it to finish line with time below 3 hours, fuhhh! Lesson learned, will be more careful with this matter in future because running with your stomach keep signaling you that you need to poo ASAP is no fun at all hokeh (*sigh). Stumbled upon with few friends; Chegu Carol (we were running together for a while before I excuses myself to do my 'pelaburan') and Wency who greeted me 1st at the grandstand of Stadium Likas. That was my 2nd time meeting them after our last blogger gathering 2 years ago.

The event was a smooth, well organized one except for 1-2 minimal flaw (to me) that can be improve in future. Really glad that they 2-3 labs/toilet all along the route or else I might 'tercirit' in my running pant (*bitter smile). The volunteers were really effective and the cheering teams were so merry and supportive. However, the organizer should let the finish line area more open than blocking it and ushering the runner who finished the run to the grandstand at caused a massive traffic at that area. Macam ikan sardin tu finish line punya area. Oh ya, I really like the red vibrant running tee. Gonna wear it during my jogging day (kalau rajin pi jog la, wakakaka!).

Mister did not accompany me this time because nobody taking care kiddos plus he was working half day that weekend, so my niece (my brother's daughter) was the one who become my driver to and fro of the event. Thank you Opok and thank you mister :).

This event going to be in my list every year from now on (*finger crossed) and hopefully kalau tiada aral mister will able to join too in future. Ba, sharing few shots from the day of event :-

Compulsory pre-run pic :)

Yay, made it to finish line! Heart the medal :D

This area was crowded and this is my best shot. Kasi tebal  muka minta tolong orang snap pic :)

Screenshot of the official result

Okay, that all I can share about Borneo International marathon 2015. I have one more running story drafted and need to be publish soon (for my own record) before it became another stale draft/story. Enjoy reading & Have a nice day ahead people!

Happy Mother's Day 2015

It's Mother's Day today and as always I will call my mom to have my weekly 20min chit-chat and at the same time to wish her Happy Mother's Day. That's all I can do to persuade my longing heart to my beloved mom beside giving her some allowance every month. Kalau dekat seja Sabah dengan Malaya, confirm saya balik every weekend to visit her (*teary eyes). 

Lately too many topic related to religion make me feel so upset and confused! Though I been embraced Islam for almost 14 years yet I am still in process of learning. Frankly, too much 'Haram' is really suffocating! Apa pun (even benda baik) tak boleh. Katanya akan terpesong akidah! Wishing my Christian mom anything pun make me feel serba salah. Why everything has become so extreme nowadays? Where does moderation, understanding and tolerance has gone? Islam is beautiful, sacred and peaceful religion, why make it look violence, full with hatred and condemnation? I am sorry of this statement of mine might hurting those who think they are so pious and above all that they think they have the power to decide who's wrong who's right (*sigh).

Yes, despite of so many 'expert' saying that it is not right a.k.a HARAM to celebrate Mother's Day, we still bought cake and foods and brought it to mister's mum. Well, as long as it not going to memesongkan akidah, niat yang betul and our Iman tetap pada Allah yang satu then it's ok ba kan. Haihhh, okay case closed! 

To my beloved mother; Thank you for everything ama. Now I understand what you feel and been through all those year raising me up. To my beloved Mom In Law; Thank you mak for accepting me as part of your family and treating me like your own daughter. To my beloved sisters, nieces & cousins, my beloved hot mama friends, all mothers and soon to be mothers all over the world and also to ME; Happy Mother's Day! We are all superwoman!

Card make by my youngest for me. Thank you anak!

 

Belated Birthday Of Mine

My God!!! I m another year older!!! Gentuo oku noh..LOL!

Thanks God for I am still alive up to this moment and blessed me with a good health so that I can look after my kids. 

I am grateful for everything I have; especially my 4 angels. Having them make my life more meaningful and colorful.

I appreciate everything ever happened because all of those have taught me to be wiser, stronger and shaped me to who I am now.

Being able to watch my kids grow up in happy environment and being able to do things I love to do is the best birthday present I ever want. Being with my kids and people who love me, that enough for me :)

Oh wow..macam karangan sandi2 suda, hahaha! Ok, sukup suda sia mimbobok sia rasa..

Good night and Happy Sunday!

Peace from Tunung's Clan :P

There's No Peace..

Obviously, phrases above is not my saying but a person from Facebook who is apparently trying to provoke me because of my comment in her link. Well, see for yourself what they said to me as below:-

As one of individual who is against war and any kind of violence, I really want people all over the world to live in peace and harmony. I also really am like the slogan; 'Peace, No War' since this slogan shout out my deepest wish of peaceful world where people can live together despite of their race, custom, tradition and even religion difference. 

It make me feel down because people call me 'ignorant or merely hypocrite' just because of my fondness of this slogan of 'Peace, No War'..(*Sighing).. For God sake, this fan of Liverpool bombarded me with this accusation just because I said out my piece of mind over their sharing on the incident that happened between Patrice Evra and Luis Suarez.. But that's not what really make me sad the most is the other comment from this person who said that in truth, there's no peace..

I don't care if people call me ignorant or even hypocrite because I know I am not. But, I do care when people said there is no peace because to me that indicate that they don't believe peace can be achieve, that peace will never exist. To me, it sound like they are cursing! Sorry but for a peace lover like me, this kind of saying is like a blasphemy! I realize that our world is full with conflict but it doesn't mean we should give up our faith on the possibility of peace and harmony. I believe peace and harmony can be achieve if people can leave behind their zealotry of power, if people put aside their desire of superiority and if people try to understand the value of equality. Yes, I also think peace can achieve if people stop making trivial issue turn into big FUSS and learn to leave yesterday event where it is..

Well, I won't let this person comment to poison my mind because I know many people out there have the same wish as mine. If this person happen to read this post, I just want to let you know that by saying that there's no peace show how weak you are in believing good thing such peace and you don't deserve any peace for saying such thing..

"If you yourself are at peace, then there is at least some peace in the world."
Thomas Merton

"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."

John Lennon

What do you think people? Is there really no peace after all??

Happy World Health Day Everyone!

World Health Day is celebrated annually to acknowledge the establishment of WHO ( World Health Organization ) on April 7, 1948.The main goal of WHO this year is to combat antimicrobial resistance. The motto of these campaign is : " No Action Today, No Cure Tomorrow ". Click here to read more about the campaign!

I am going to support this campaign because I am one of those who refuse to depend on medication/drug usage to cure any kind of disease. 

One of place I hate the most is Hospital because of the smell of medication and sick people. Seriously, I hate pills/medication! 

Reading the article from WHO website and some other website about the fact of using medication/drugs instead of letting our own body immunization to fight disease like flu or fever really make me determine to stop pampering my kids with those pills /  syrups because it only make our body more depending on those drug.

Image source: Google

Maybe it's excusable for people with serious / critical illness such as cancers to frequently use drugs but for people in good condition I think they better reconsider to quit from too depending on drugs usage. If you have an headache, why not you take a rest rather than hurried up to find painkiller like Panadol  or Ponstant.

I always scold my husband because whenever he have a headache or fever the 1st place he will go is the pharmacy to buy medication. Such a waste when the pain will go away if only he listen to me to rest well and have a enough sleep. Don't he realizes that those sickness will happened again although he keep consuming those medication.

I am talking from my own experiences. Well, I did take medication to control my blood pressure ( I am suffering with blood pressure ) and I even have to go to hospital to get supplies but I took it only when I have to as prescribe by my doctor. 

“The first rule of antibiotics is try not to use them, and the second rule is try not to use too many of them.” (Dr Paul Marino, a critical care practitioner and author of the Intensive Care Unit Book used by many medical students and residents on ICU rotation.)

More highlight about the campaign:-
World Health Day : combatting microbial resistance 
Kaiser Family Foundation 
The world's humantarian news site 

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2010

Last time I celebrated this event is 10 years ago before I converted to Islam. Frankly, I misses to celebrate Christmas very much but please do not misunderstand because I just miss the celebration not my former religion. I misses the Christmas present giving, I  misses the decoration, I misses the family gathering on this event and I misses the foods!

I still celebrate Christmas but not as happening as before since here in Peninsular, people will eyes us suspiciously especially about this that concerned with religion. I have once asked a friend who asked an expert on thing like this whether it is wrong to me to celebrate Christmas with my family and I am glad upon his explanation that it is okay as long as I know the boundaries. He said that what matter the most is our faith in Allah and our intention on celebrating.




So, I would like to shout to the world especially to my beloved mother and families back at Sabah a very Happy Christmas! May Happiness and Grace bestow upon us all and peace and harmony spread worldwide!

My Happy Ending!

Everyone want a happy ending! Everyone planned their life to meet happily ever after yet to me it only existed in fairy tales. Life is reality of love,happiness, betrayal,hurt,sadness and disappointment, so I always keep my life reality checked though I love creating my own fairy tales in my head.


I don't expect perfection in my life because nothing, nobody perfect in reality and even sciences proved that it is a fact that we should keep in our mind. To me, achieving some of my long-listed purpose and dreams are satisfying and good enough to be my happy ending!

Scream!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it! I really want to scream out all of my tension off my head but I can't.. Not here in the middle of city full with people who might think that I am crazy if I do exactly that, screaming..

Screaming is a way of releasing tension out of our mind system though not supposedly being done frequently but occasionally.. Mean we cannot overdo it or other consequences might happen..

Back to my teenage years when I am still in my village, I used to scream whenever I feel like I can't take more pressure because it makes me feel good afterward.. screaming loose out my pressure knotted mind and make it think better and clearly afterward.. And I did it in the middle of our paddy field, screaming like maniac echoed by my mother angry voice, asking me what happened while I simply laughed like idiot..

However, here in Malaya I have to go to recreational parks such as Sunway Lagoon, Genting Highland, Bukit Gambang etc. just to scream out my tension.. Such a costly way that make me choose to cry in the dark of my room instead..  Or screaming out my lung to my pillow... Well, we have to be creative sometimes I guess even in finding the best and cheapest way to flush out our pressure..

I guess I will go to one of those recreational park along with my kids and husband because we need a break after all..

Enough is enough..

I start my day at office with tension and headache gripping my mind.. Why should those people keep asking me about that person problem.. Ya, we might be living together but it doesn't mean i know every single move that person did.. That person also never tell what he gonna do unless that person want me to help him lying and I hate that the most.. All my life I been helping that person too many time without asking anything except some changes in that person habits..

I received a call from those people asking me the arrival time of mine at office and I tell those people the truth ; 8.50am because I don't suspect anything.. Then those people tell me that that person only arrived at office at 9.30am and those people said they don't like it.. All i can say  is; really because as matter of fact it's none of my business.. I work for other company and those people don't have the right to ask me about me and they also don't have to use me to spy on that person.. This act really out of working ethics. However I can't be mad at those people because they asked me nicely.

The problem is that person.. That person acted without thinking of the consequences.. When problem arise, that person blame other people than admitting that he is wrong.. I hate this behavior the most!! there nothing wrong in admitting our mistake.. People will respect us more if we are humble enough to admit that we are wrong than lying to cover up our mistake.. I have learn from the hardest way that lying won't solve anything because once we lied we tend to create more lies and that mean we are living in lies..

I am ashamed of that person behavior and attitude.. That person see the worst in other people but he never realize that he is the worst.. Me too is not perfect because I admit that I have done so many mistake in my life as many as that person.. The difference is I regret every single mistake I have done while that person never and will never admit that he is wrong..

I am tired and i feel just want to give up hope in that person.. Or maybe I already give up because right now the only strength i have are inspire by my children.. They are the reason why I am still alive and fighting hard to give them the best in life..

PIECE OF MY HEART..

I am writing this not because i want to humiliate anybody but i only want to express what i feel deep inside my heart before it take away my sanity and strength. for almost 10 years I have to live with betrayal and pain because i make the wrong choice in my life and i don't want any other girls out there make the same mistake.

I don't know how  i survived with all of those pain that i have through because some of it really traumatized me and broke my self senses from inside. I don't have anyone here in Malaya who can support me morally. I rather keep it in my heart than discuss it with any of my in law family because i learned from the past. My family live far away from me back at Sabah and the only connected us is telephone. My father is the who always there to listen to me pouring out all my heart before this but since he passed away 4 years ago, i don't any except my mother yet i don't want to burden her.

I don't want to mention who hurt me over and over again. whenever that person lost his temper, he will start threatening me and humiliate me in public with his attitude and words. He promise to change but he never did. I really want to be free from him but he is important to my family. I have sacrificed too much for him but he never appreciate any of it.

I pray to God to give me strength and patience but I am no angel and my patience is limited. I know one day i have to let him go and i hope by that time i am strong enough to do so.. I believe God is fair in everything. I have to admit that i have a foul mouth but i am not a bad person. I don't hold grunge because I let God do the punishment for me.

FAMILY PORTRAIT

Many people like to take a family portrait every single year for collection.. But I am not one of those people who like to keep family portrait. I was once like to keep one but now I don't really like to keep one.. I only cherish and keep few portrait as my valuable possession; the picture of my beloved mother and father, my siblings and my kids.. 

People may say I am hypocrite but I am not.. I have my own reason on why i don't like family portrait..

Don't believe what your see on those portrait.. Family Portrait hide a lot of secret and misery.. In those portrait you have to posse the best of you, faking smile and faking the happy expression thus deep inside your heart you  are raging with anger,pain and betrayal..

I loves the portrait of my kids because the smile from them is genuine and angelic...

A Mother's Fear, A Mother's Love..

Yesterday I read an article from The Star Sunday about a confession from a teenage girl on her sexual activities. The article really shocked me and opened my eyes to the reality that youngster behavior and lifestyle nowadays really have changed into something that we should called morality catastrophe.The teenager admitted that sex is no longer a hidden topic but it was something happened everyday and everywhere especially among teenagers.

As a mother, the fear i feel for my kids future is something real and i believed parent out there also feel the same insecurity because of the growth of social issues. Reading those article really dreaded my mind and heart because i have a baby girl who will grow up and I don't want  her to involved in any unhealthy activities. I have told my hubby about my fear for my kids especially for my daughter and despite of his assurance that he will always watch out for our daughter I still have the fear..

At office i always think of them because i am afraid that they will choose a bad friend who can influence them into doing something horrible. I wish i have an extra eye so that i can watch them all day long and night. But I m just a mere human and all I can do is praying to the Almighty one to watch over them for me..

As a mother who once a teenager i admitted that i have done mistake but i learn from my mistake and now it's my responsibility to ensure that my kids won't do the same mistake i have done. Now i understand my beloved parent feeling all of those year i have put them on misery especially my father.. I want the best for my kids and I will  never ever hate them or cast them away though they might did some mistake.. If they lost in their way, I will always by their side to guide them back to the track..

Gone Yet Remain..

It's been a while since i last updated my blog.. Well, actually i am upset with myself and the only way i can derived myself from this kind of feeling is working very hard, real hard until i don't have time to think about it even i know the feeling will always here in my heart..

My stepmother passed away last week and i couldn't go back to my village because of my work obligation. My boss went to oversea, leaving me alone to handle our supplier from Japan who is doing their annual visit. I am the only one who cannot go back during her funeral and that make me feel so upset. I feel like I am not a good daughter. I planned to go back and visit my sick stepmother this coming May but my plan shattered to pieces the moment i heard that she is gone..

I should have known that something bad happened because I have this weird dream the night before my sis-in law leave a message on my wall in FB. I dreamed that a crazy man is after me and i get lost in a forest only to find way back and greeted with smile by my father and my stepmother.. They are hugging me tightly and it's really feel real..

Until now i can't forgive myself for couldn't give my stepmother a last visit. I don't think I can forgive myself the rest of my life.. To me, my stepmother might be gone but she will be remain in my heart and prayer till the last breathe of  my life.. I don't want to lost my grip like i did when my father passed away.. That was the darkest period of my life because i lost myself, my guidance and my dream the day my father passed away.. I feel like half of myself being  taken away from me.. It took me a while to get back on my track and start over once again..

My beloved stepmother,
I am sorry for cannot see you for the last time but you will always in my heart and prayer.. May you  rest in peace along with bapa in heaven.