Happy 12th Birthday, Daniel!

Assalamualaikum...

Alhamdulillah, my 2nd son is 12 years today. I can't believe that he is in his early teenager and no longer my baby boy. I still remember the incident during his birth at Hospital Kajang where he was almost exchanged with other parent's baby. Luckily I noticed that he looked strange and unfamiliar when the nurse passed him to me to be breastfeed. I checked the hospital tag to found out that the baby wasn't him! He was still warded inside the incubator at that time due to skin infection.

Even his placenta was given to other parent and later I found out that those parent has handle the placenta accordingly together with their baby's placenta. They said they couldn't distinguished which one was theirs so they buried both in 1 place. I was grateful to them for that.

When he was almost a year old, I have to send him back to my parent in Sabah because I needed to stay back late in UKM to complete my final year project. Though it was only for a year, the guilt of leaving him behind still haunting me. I feel like I sacrificed him for our future. The misery of missing him leave a deep scar in my life.

Now at 12 years, he is my 2nd helper at home beside his elder brother. He have lots of flaw but those flaws were his strength that shaped his personality. He is my favorite gumuks yang kuat makan, lol!

Dear Daniel, 

Happy 12th birthday Nak! May you grow up to be a soleh son here and hereafter. Mama love you to the moon and back! Stay healthy!

My gumuk, the birthday boy!

Family pic with birthday boy!

Missing Him

Assalamualaikum.

Salam Eid Adha to all muslims. May this celebration bring happiness and barakath to all of us. Just want to warn you all to skip my page if you don't want to read soppy story because apparently this going to be one today.

9 years ago today, I lost my beloved father and part of myself that I always wish I am asleep for the whole September. I was born on September and I lost someone I love dearly on the same month. How ironic is that? Green Day's song "wake me up when September end" define my feeling well (*sighed).

People said the every wound will heal over time and yes, it will heal but it will leave a scar that will remind you a deep wound existed there before and you'll remember the pain you been thru. It will stop bleeding and the pain will subside slowly over time yet the memories will remain, forever stamped deep inside you mind and heart that will automatically replay with certain button.

Since 2006, 24th September will automatically remind me of what I lost on that day. It remind me of the pain I have thru since that day. It remind that he is no longer there at home waiting for me with his smile, he is no longer at the other side of the phone to listen to my whining and complaint of life, he is no longer there to back me up against those who hate me and importantly he is no longer there to advise and admonish me to stand up and fight back when I stumble and fall down in my life.

On this day I allowed myself to re-live the memories with him and then cry over it so that I will wake up the next day and days after with determination to make him proud of me.

Rest in peace bapa. I might be not as successful as others but I will try to become a better person, a good daughter, a good mother, a good wife and make you proud because I believe you are watching from above.

Eldest 13th Birthday

Actually son birthday was on 19th July and nothing extra-ordinary or happening event occurred but still, I want to leave some memory on this blog of mine for my own record. Took me sometimes to write this tho. Sibuk beraya ba kunun, hehehe.

This year, eldest 13th birthday fell on 3rd day of Syawal, so went to Subang Parade's Secret Recipe to fulfill his wish of not having any special birthday cake but to treat his siblings and him dinner at his favorite food outlet and have a piece or 2 of those yummy cake from secret recipe and also his favorite meal; beef lasagna. Syukur Alhamdulillah, this shy boy of mine memang tidak banyak permintaan (*teary eyes).

I guess every parent might have the same feeling I have now.. You know those feeling of dreading the moment that their kids grow up so fast and won't need them anymore.. Honestly, it's a wonderful journey to watch him grow up and develop but it's also scary because negative vibes and aura is everywhere around us and it make me feel like I have no enough eyes to watch over my kids especially my teenage boy. 

People said parent shouldn't be too over protective over their kids, that we need to let them mingle and explore the world so that they will able to stand by themselves but still to me it's something I won't be able to fully commit, not because I don't trust my kids but mainly because of the threat from the environment and people around them. Banyak kes yang unexpected ba sekarang (*sighed).

Gosh, don't want to turn this writing into soppy one, so to my beloved 1st born; Mama will always pray for your happiness and success in life and hereafter. Mama also pray that you will grow up into kind and responsible gentleman. Happy belated 13th birthday son, love you to the moon and back!

My beloved 1st born :D

Hello December!

Yay, it's December already! I guess Christmas Mood is already ON and those celebrating already started their Christmas tree decoration. December always full with celebration because lots of couple tend to held their sacred ceremony of 2 become 1 during this festive month. Err, maybe it's just me who feel that way (*wink2)

I feel guilty because I been neglecting this blog for almost 3 months since my last post. I thought I m going to post more story/update since I already installed Blogger On The Go but apparently I didn't. I am such a lazybone hey? 

Well, I am going to post a snippet of my short trip to Hatyai last November SOON but for now let us just rejoice that we are still breathing and able to feel the festive month of December once again hey.

kiddos and me on eve of December after Satay Kajang Feast :P

Pic from Hatyai Trip

That's all for 1st Of December and till next post ya!

KK Short Trip : A wedding, A Blogger Gathering & Mommies Fun Time

Hello everyone!

How's life lately? I wish everyone a good and happy life. At the moment, I am 'mengular', taking this few hours of less work to finish the earlier draft of my short trip to KK with Just. Initially want to post each events separately but in the end I decided to combine all of it to save time and more delay or worst stale story (*LOL).

Yep, went to KK again on 11th of May  to accompany Just to attend her besties, Jue's wedding ceremony and reception and t we also attend the 'Ladies Blogger Gathering' beside executed our 'crazy' plan with sis Mouren (*wink2).

Since I am just tagging along, I let Just planned most of this trip (*I let kunun padahal ketara pemalas kan..hahaha!). When we purchased our ticket months ago, our plan merely to attend the wedding but once Just inform sis Mouren about it, knowing how 'active' she is, they planned another ladies blogger gathering and also our  3 mommies fun time project.

It's been a long time since I attended wedding ceremony such as Jue's wedding and I am really glad to accept Just offer to accompany her. Thanks moi! 

Some Pics at Jue's Wedding cermony

Later after the wedding ceremony, we fetched Sis Mouren at her workplace. That was the 1st time I met her face to face and my God, she was just like my imagination; active, friendly and full with spirit. Adore her from the 1st conversation we have and now I considered her as my big sister already (*Smile). 

After checked in to our hotel (part of our fun time project), we went to Full House, Suria Sabah where the Ladies Blogger Gathering with Pastel theme was held. There, already waiting for us were Stella and her hubby, Chegu Carol and Margaret. Later, MichelleSung and her Gaman (* really sorry Michelle, I forgot his name) arrived, followed by Flo Nara. Wency , husband and her cute baby were the last to arrive (some of the ladies already left) but that was okay since it's her support and spirit counted.

My Favorite Pic No.1 - Priceless Expression From Us ( Credited to Stella and hubby )

My Favorite Pic No. 2 - Our Gyomi Action (Credited to Stella and hubby)

The Ladies :P (Wency not yet arrived)

Wency arrived late but that was ok because it's the spirit/support counted :D

4 of us - lepaking lagi after the other ladies blogger left

4 of us in front of  Fullhouse - mo balik suda :'(

That was my 1st time joining such gathering and I m excited to attend more gathering in future because it was fun and a good way to meet and make a new friends (*wink2). Before this I only know them from their writing/blog and it's such a pleasure to finally meet them in person. Hope to see them again!

After the gathering, Just, Sis Mouren and me went back to our hotel to refresh ourselves and went out again. Some of our plan cancelled due to the rainy night but we still manage to have fun shopping at Wawasan and CP kan sis.. The next day (on Sunday), we woke up early and begin our journey to 'memancing om menyukat' the Gaya Street and Shop-hopping from Wisma Merdeka, Segama and KK Plaza. Did we manage to catch anything? Well yeah! Haha!

Tirip2 mcm Korean / Taiwanese kunu :P

At Gaya Street

At Noon after check out and sending Sis Mouren back home (*sob2 - sedih tau), Just and me went to Jue's wedding reception. 

At Jue's wedding reception

Before heading to airport, Just and me sempat lagi witnessed sunset from Tanjung Aru Beach while having our early dinner. At 8.25pm on 12th May, we flied back to KL and that the end of our short trip to KK. It was short but full with meaningful memories, plus the new friendship created among us.

I just love Sunset and beach! 

That's all the considered 'good' pics from my Note camera..haha! For more pictures and detailed story of the Ladies Blogger Gathering, you may visit my friends blog as below :

Ladies Blogger Gathering May 2013 - Stella 
More Pics Of Ladies Blogger Gathering - Stella
The Ladies Blogger Pastel Gathering - Just
Ladies Blogger Gathering In Fullhouse - Sis Mouren

For more pictures and the detailed story of Jue's wedding and our Mommies Fun Time, you may hop to below link :-

"Congrats Julie" by Just
"On Mothers Day" 2013 by Just

Last but not the least, my personal 'mikirayou' pic - wajib ada bah itu :P (*silakan ambil plastik dan muntah...wakaka!)

Me in pastel dress with my car..wakaka!

 Done at last..Yay! Lets do the break dance! Haha! Ok people, thanks for reading! Happy Wednesday!

P/S: Traveling oversea for the 1st time soon! Excited tahap gaban..Lalala!

Guess Who Is This?

Who is this girl?

I found this very old picture among my old stuff while I am trying to sort it out and throw away all of the unwanted, useless paper/trash. Actually there are few more of it but I just want to share this one particular pic because it remind me of the beautiful scenery my village once hold. I am not saying that my village is no longer as beautiful nowadays because to me it 's still beautiful but the scenery was no longer same as before. Too many house nowadays (*sighing)...

When I was a kid (like the girl in the pic), the scenery of our house backyard/front-yard was full with trees especially fruits tree and also wild flower. I remembered when I got back from primary school, my nephews, my nieces and me will climbed  up the citrus tree with our homemade sambal (mixed of salt-belacan-cili padi/lado seroi) and having a great time eating limau/mangga on the tree until my father came, scolding us and spoiled our leisure time (*laughing). He was not mad because we were eating the fruits but he was mad because we're bringing along our sambal on the tree. Bapa cakap nanti itu pokok minkorikata..

I think I just want to talk about the old pic but as always once I talk about my childhood stuff/memory, I couldn't help myself from writing about it with twinkle in my eyes because it happened to be the most happiest period of my life (*smiling). Well, regarding the pic above, who do you think was the girl on the pic?? Hahaha, this is not a contest or what so ever but only giving you glimpse of myself okay! 

Happy Sunday & Happy working Monday in advance everyone!

Back To Memory Lane: My 1st Crush

All of sudden I think of one name; my 1st crush and I couldn't reign myself from writing about it. It happened 15 years ago but the memory is still crystal clear.

Image credited to santabanta.com

I guess everyone have their own experience with their 1st crush. Well, I was once a teenager and being a normal teenager, me too have that 1st crush experience. Thinking about it make me want to rolling on the floor and laugh till my lung burst because it was so hilarious and funny but embarrassing at the same time.

I was in form 3 when this crush of mine attending my school with his younger sister. He was a very skinny and pale Chinese boy. He was not really that good looking but his shyness and silence that  attracted me to him. Many times I tried to talk to him but my reputation as a fierce and stuck-up girl make him ran every time I tried to approach him. Daring gila masa dulu2 (*laughing). Since I cannot get closed to him, I tried to be-friend with his younger sister with the help of my cousin which was in the same class with her. If I want to write it in detail, it will take pages but let just shorten the story to the climax of my 1st crush confession. I asked his younger sister to pass my letter to him! Well, it was not really a letter but my bio-data on it with a message "Boleh kita berkenalan?" Did I get any replies? Nope, he never replied and few weeks after that he moved out and I never heard any of him until now. 

That was the story of my 1st crush. Of course I have another crush after that but as people said 1st time always stuck in our mind (*winking). How about you people? Don't tell me that you never experience any crush at all because that excuses won't buy me. Just kidding okay! Feel free to share your own story of your 1st crush and do let me know so that I will stop by to read about it, okay!

I Miss You Dad!

 

Yes, I miss my father very much! I miss to talk with him, to tell him about my heart content, my problem and what I am thinking (*sighing). Whenever new year approaching, I will think back how was my life so far? What I have achieve in my life? Whether I am happy with my life? Whether I am satisfied with what I am doing now? Whether I am making the rightthing for me, the kids and for everyone else? Yes, all of those question  might make you think that I am such paranoia but that is just me re-evaluating my life for better option.

You must wonder why talking stuff like that with my father when I have a husband. Honestly, I never talk this stuff with husband because I don't feel comfortable talking about this stuff with him and moreover he is not a good listener like my father. Yes, we might be husband and wife but there are certain thing I don't like to share with him and even if we are spouse but it doesn't mean we gonna share everything! That just my opinion though and it not apply to all people ok! (*winking)

Well, I seem happy with my life but honestly I am not that happy at all because I often miss my family back at Sabah and too much pressure from certain people here in KL. I miss to gather with my friends and nieces back at Sabah. I don't have any close friend here in KL... In fact I never go out with friends here in KL! Sometimes I feel bored because my life only  rebound around  my kids, husband and his family. Please don't mistaken that I don't like family life because I like it but I only want some time for myself where I free to spend it with my my friends. There is nothing wrong of wanting some time for ourselves, isn't it?

The only time I have for myself is when I am going to watch movie at cinema by myself. Gosh! How I miss the girl talk with my girls friend and the last time I have that was like 6 year ago with my best friend, Opong. I wish I could talk out my heart with my father because he will know how to console me and make me feel better with his wise and comforting words. Yes, Ia such a daddy's girl! 

Well, writing a post about it definitely help a bit because now I feel bit better! LOL! Thank you for reading and sorry because you have to read an emotional post from me. Wish you all have a very Good Day! 

P/S: Song below really pictured my feeling right now! I love this song even though it make me cry every time I listen to it! (^_^) v

Merry Christmas!

When I was younger, I always looking forward to this date because on this date my family always held a Christmas celebration where all of us gathered up. Honestly, we don't even have any gift exchanging or such thing but we were still happy because on this date we have the change to meet the rest of our family member. Well, yes I always participate in the church activity back then and one of my favorite activity is the gift exchanging where we wrapped something, put number on it and then random people going to get the gift. So many funny and hilarious thing happened because of this gift exchange because people can wrapped anything, yes anything and random people gonna get it without knowing who gave it! (*winking)  I still remember people who got a tin of soil and dirty underwear! YEP, I knew who were the villain though(*laughing).

Later, this activity was changed into program called as "Dariku, Untukmu" to prevent such thing from happen again and from what I know the church back in my village still continue this activity until now. I really miss the old time! (*sighing). I really miss the Christmas celebration with my family too.. My family suppose to have a family gathering this year but they cancelled it due to lack of funding. They should plan it earlier like 6 month or earlier than that because raising a fund for big event definitely take some times. I hope we gonna make it next year and I am going to keep in touch with my sibling about this because I want to participate this time. I don't want to miss another family gathering!

So, on this day of Christmas I want to wish all of Malaysian, especially my family & friends back in Sabah and people all over the world a very Happy Christmas Day!May the magic wand of Christmas bring warmth and joy in every family and bestow peace and harmony all over the world!

Image credited to Mr. Google

Kids Of 90's

I rarely post any direct update on my Facebook account nowadays but still I check on people especially my families and friends update regularly.. Yesterday I stumble upon an updates from a friend which remind me of the old time and I re-shared it on my FB. It's an interesting update, just read below which I copied & pasted it here in my blog :-

I grew up in the 90s. :D

We are the last generation who learned to play in the street, we are the first one who've played video games, and we're the last ones to record songs off the radio on cassettes and we are the pioneers of Walkman and chat-
rooms.

We learned how to program the VCR before anyone else, play with Atari, Super Nintendo, & Genesis. We also believed that the internet would be a free world.

We are the generation of the POKEMON, Digimon, Thunder Cats, Power Rangers, Dragon Ballz, Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and Doogie Howser MD. Traveled in cars without seat belts or airbags, lived without mobile phones.

We didn't have +99 television stations, flat screens, surround sound, mp3, iPods, Facebook or Twitter but nevertheless we had a GREAT TIME! :)

(Re-post if you're one of us!)

Image by Mr. Google

Well, I definitely didn't played on the street when I was a kid. The jungle and the paddy field was my playground! I climbed tree like a monkey back then and still have those 'expertness' even now with 4 kids (*laughing). Yes, I did have a walk-man when I was in form one which is given by my older brother and I involved with chatting world (MIRC) when I was around 16teen. I never played Atari or Super Nintendo or Genesis because I can't afford to have those luxury. The only games I know is Super Mario Brother (*smile). We, the village kids rather stayed outside playing with dirt than being in home playing those games..LOL! Of course cartoons show such is Power Rangers, Thunder Cats, Dragon Balls, Ninja Turtles, Maskman, Gaban, Rugrats, the smurfs, Tom & Jerry etc were part of my life though I don't remember Digimon or Pokemon during those times (*scratching head). Before my father bought our own VCR, I went to my big step-sister to watch rented video taped movies. In fact, we the village kids gathered to watch it and it was really a memorable moment especially when we watched horror movie (*smiling). Frankly, we all have a great and fun times even without today technologies luxury!

Kids nowadays are too pampered with this modern technologies! I don't know about other parents opinion but to me I will never let my kids to have anything like FB or any social network account, mobile phone, laptop etc, not until they are old enough to handle this stuff wisely. Old enough means they have to wait until they are past 17 years old. Hubby said that I am being unreasonable that all of those stuff normal for kids nowadays but I have my own reason and I will stick to my point until they give me good reason to think the other way. Well, kids if you excel in your study, maybe mama will change her mind? (*winking)

No matter how happening world nowadays, I still prefer my childhood and teenage years because I have such a great and fun time during those years. What can I say..It was irreplaceable! What say you?

Happy Friday & Happy Weekend You All!

Wordless Wednesday #11

Unexpected Gift!

It's Thursday and it mean 1 more day to go before weekend..(*winking)

Between my hectic day in office, I manage to sit down and write this entry that bugging me since Monday.. It's about my hubby..Nope, it's not a bad thing but quite a surprise for me because he is not a romantic kind of guy and honestly he never did any romantic stuff for me though I am okay with it since me too react awkwardly with romantic situation..(*Laughing)

Tada!! The content is secret but I guess you knew it

Last Monday, after fetching my kids at the day care, he then came to fetch me at my office, along with the kids. Then we went to the Giant, Puchong and asked me to wait in the car with the kids because he said want to buy some stuff. After half hour, he came back. I was not paying attention when he entered our car because I was busy playing games on my phone while the kids busy chatting and playing at the back seat. He put my favorite flower, roses and a gift bag on my lap and asked me to open it. Amazed, I opened the bag and found a Tomei jewel box inside.

I asked him why all of sudden? He said, " I never give you anything because I can't afford it before this. I know you never ask any but I want you have it. Just think of it as gift for our anniversary. "

I was speechless. I never expect this from hubby because I knew his character and attitude. Seriously, I thought he was acting really weird and lots of negative thinking started to cloud my mind. Where did he got the money to buy it? Why did he gave it to me? How ? When? etc... I barely uttered a words to him, not until after we have our dinner only then I managed to let out my mind. He laughed and said, "Is it really weird for guy like me to be a little bit romantic once a while? Seriously, no hidden agenda here. Its not that expensive but its sincere from me. Don't worry, I bought it with my own money that I save up without your knowledge. For that I am sorry and quit those negative thinking already."

That was 3 days ago. Now I am wearing it on my middle finger everyday upon my hubby request though I don't really like wearing any jewellery. Why middle finger? Don't laugh okay...Because it was the smallest one that Tomei can offer! Bigger than that mean I can't wear it at all..LOL.. To tell truth, I was really moved with this unexpected gift from my hubby because I saw the sincerity in his eyes when he gave it to me.. He is right, the gift is not that expensive but the sincerity is what I value the most..THANK YOU HUBBY!

The moral of the story, don't jump into conclusion before you understand the root/resource of something because you might concluded wrong. Obviously I jumped into conclusion by thinking that something is not right with my hubby unexpected gift just because he never do such thing in the past. Now I feel bad because I suspected him doing something illegal.. I am sorry hubby! This unexpected gift incident will definitely gonna be one of my sweetest memory...(*winking)

Time's up here! So, until later... HAPPY THURSDAY!

P/S: I don't wear my wedding ring because I lost it few years ago.

Story Of My Past

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim...

As I promised, though it took me sometime to publish and here is my story of my past.. It's not detailed but it I hope it enough to give you all a glimpse of my past that not as good as your..

Pic By Mr.google

I don't really know where should I begin but I think it's better if I give you all a glimpse of myself; attitude/ behavior/ personality when I was younger. I am the youngest in my big family and the closest one to my father that some people said I was over-pampered by him. I excelled in my study since I was in primary school and finished my secondary school with good result during SPM 1999, though not as I targeted. I was a stubborn, tomboyish girl who never give a damn about stuff that normal teenager might involved and often bragging about not getting married especially not with Malay guy..Ironically, I end up with a Malay guy..Life is so unpredictable..

I never parted from my family especially my parent and pursuing my study at Matriculation college in KK was my very 1st experience being separated from them though every weekend I went back to Ranau. That was also my 1st experience to mix with new circle of friends that more worldly and exposed to the outside world than my friends back in Ranau. I was amazed at their level of knowledge about world/stuff that I fast became their friend. In fact the the name "Molly" was given to me by one of them. I was too close with my new friend that I almost forgot my childhood best friend, Falinah (Ellow) and at one time we quarreled over trivial matter that make us enemy for quite sometime  (I am sorry again for that stupid quarrel, Ellow) though we are good now. You see, I was so naive about lots of stuff and being a teenager I was too curious that I want to know more and want to learn more about stuff, positively or negatively. At that time I was already addicted to the MIRC and befriended lots of  people from virtual world..(Some of them still in contact with me until now)

My parent especially my father trusted me completely because I never did anything reckless in my life before. I finished my matriculation in just a year then got an offer from UKM to pursue my study in Chemical Technology. I was devastated actually because UKM was my last choice which I filled up in my UPU form (1st until 4th option was UMS). I didn't want to go that far when UMS is just 2 hours from my hometown but my father and family seem happy to let me go. Mad and devastated with them, I got drunk with my ex-schoolmate and make a scene at my village on that particular night to show my protest . Luckily, nothing serious/ bad happened to me because my ex-schoolmate took really good care of me and send me back home in good condition..(Thanks again Giwin) I can't imagine what would happened to me if only he took advantage of me..(palis2)  That was my 1st time being reckless and foolish yet my family still trusted me because they understood how scared I was to separated with them.

I was not ready to face the new world of Peninsular Malaysia yet I went there, mentally unprepared of the new people and lifestyle over there. I was given the key of my freedom and stupidly I vowed to use it with vengeance..Really stupid of me.. 2 month later I got to know my hubby via chat-world channel in MIRC. He was using 'Burger King' as his username and I remembered that I was the one who hit on him 1st for using those username. We quarreled online but then after sometime we became friend, exchange number until one day we decided to meet up at my hostel area at Kolej Rahim Kajai, UKM. After that we became closer though we never meet again until July 2001. He called me everyday, asking about me and I guessed that was why I melted into him. I was so engrossed and blinded by my new founded feeling that I forgot about my family and my promise with my father. 

Pic By Mr. Google

Ashamedly, I admitted that I lost everything to my hubby because my mind defeated by my own lust and curiosity. Yep, I was one of those stupid young woman who gave up everything she got because of thing so-called LOVE but in my case it never really about that. It was just me being stupid, naive and blind over sweet word and promise when the truth were I never really know what love is and my hubby background that well. he introduced me to his family and I get along very well with my MIL who told me and warned me about his past, that he might not serious about me at all. She said my hubby might just want to get revenge for being dumped by his former girlfriend from Philippines. I was so scared after I knew about his past and at the same time I found out that I was pregnant. I was torn apart.. It felt like tons of brick fall upon me..

I don't have anyone to confide with.. I couldn't tell my family because I know they will surely hate me and condemn me. I was too ashamed to tell my friends because I know they will call me fool or worse they might labeled me as slut. It crossed my mind to do abortion just to hide my sin but I couldn't because I don't want to commit bigger sin than I already did. I don't want to be amongst those heartless people who aborted and dumped their baby. I want to I keep the baby because I love him already. I keep my distance from my family and friends because I was afraid of what they gonna do and think of my pregnancy. At last I told my hubby about it and I was bit relief because he promised to take responsibility and I stay with his sibling during my semester break(1st year) but my big brother came looking for me at my MIL home (Kajang) and took me back to my hometown. 

Back there my family insisted me to do medical check-up and I told my mother about my condition and manage to cover my condition with lies. I persuaded her to kept it secret until I return to KL and she did so. She only told my father about it when I already in KL and my father call me right away, asked me to come back, that nobody will hate me no matter what happened but I was already smitten/committed by my hubby promises that I turned my back against my father and hurt him terribly. I converted into Islam and got married without my father consent. I betrayed my father trust and tarnished my family good reputation. It really such a shock for my father since I was the center of the family and he love me the most amongst his children. I thought that I was no longer have place in my family heart. I am the black sheep in the family. I am the thorn that sting them.

As I thought I made the right choice, that my life will be better but I thought wrong because I never felt true happiness. I always shadowed by my guilt toward my family. I cannot live in peace because day after day I was haunted by my mistaken over turning my back against my family and hurting them. I didn't ask fro their forgiveness and worse I didn't contact them because I thought they hate me and they were angry at me. Everyday I thought of them and cried. At last, when I  no longer stand it, I make myself strong and called my parents, asking for their forgiveness and blessing. I told them everything and guess what? My family especially my father still love me even after all I have done. They forgave me despite of the hurt and humiliation I put them through. YES, I am blessed for having such a wonderful family..My father said, no  matter what happened I am still their beloved daughter..

When I 1st learned of my pregnancy, I thought that the end of my study, my life. I was so afraid of what kind of future would I have if I don't finished my degree. I want to prove that I might strayed but I can excelled in my study..Most young woman might quit studying if they were in my condition but I ignored peoples sneer and negative stare and continue my study after I gave birth of my son. I know there were nothing I can do to mend the damage I caused in my family but I wanted to redeem myself by showing them that I will get my degree and indeed I got it.. 

You see, this story is kind of story you've heard and familiar with but to me who experience and been there, it something that I treasure because the experience had taught me lots about life and it meaning. Yes, it was not something I am proud about because it show how weak I was to temptation but still I am proud with myself because I survived and able to raise again from my fall though my achievement is not as great as other.

 

Actually the story still far from ended but I only have permission to reveal this far.. The rest of it concerned with my marriage and it is private..

To all young woman out there who did the same mistake as I did, please don't make bigger sin than you already commit.. Allah is merciful and forgiving.  

Happy Monday and Happy working!

P/S: To me, it is okay to glance back to our past once in while, just to remind us about the significant lesson we learn from it..=)

My Mom Only Have One eye

Good day everyone! Just want to clear up the title above..Actually the title is referring to the inspirational story ( as below) that I found in academictips.org which I want to point out my own view. Yeah, it's the same website again..Okay, 1st thing 1st; please read the full the full story below but for those who have a soft heart like mine, please prepare your tissue box because you will definitely shed your tear since the story is really touching..

My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, ‘EEEE, your mom only has one eye!’

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, ‘ If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?’

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, ‘How dare you come to my house and scare my children!’ GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!’

And to this, my mother quietly answered, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,’ and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.

‘My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,

Your mother.’

 

Image by Mr. Google

We have to admit that story as above did happened in reality. Often enough a daughter or a son tended to forget or even worst to deny their parent existence due to their physical deficiency and their poverty. You know, it's like our very own folklore "Si Tanggang" who is ashamed of his mother appearance and poverty that turned into rock in the end of the story.

The story remind me of my own embarrassment of my mother when I was in primary school. Well, I have described my mother in my Special Entry For Mother's Day (paragraph 3) and that was the reason of my embarrassment. I was in standard 4 that time when I learned the embarrassment feeling of my mother because my friends always boasted up about their mother good being and merit. I will only listened to them and never said a thing about my mother because I knew the fact very well that my mother is just an ordinary kampung women.

As always, I will involved in prizes and awards presentation day because I was one of the presentee and normally I wouldn't mind my mother to come but that year I was nagging my father to come instead of my mother because I don't want my friend to meet my kampungan mother and realized the reason why I never bother to interfere in their conversation. 

"Why don't you want her to attend it? She was the one who attended it before this," my father asked.

"I don't want my friend to laugh on me because I have a very kampung mother!" I blurted it to my father. He was shocked and speechless. At that time I don't care about anyone feeling but mind.. Betul-betul buduh kan..Then my father realized what is going on in my heart, so he talked to me and those talk will always stick in my heart because it was the reason why I will always proud of my mother.

"Nung, when you were just a baby, you always fell sick and always admitted to hospital because you were born pre-matured. Everyone including me thought that sooner or later you will leave us. But, your mother never gave up hope on you. She stayed by your side, accompany you in the hospital and praying that you will live and you did make it. You were so tiny, weak and having this generic eyes problem (in Malay they called it "juling air",  a condition where your eye move when you stare at something for certain time and it will turn to normal once you blink your eye) like your brother but she was still proud of giving birth all of you. You see, other people might have a very beautiful and perfect children but in your mother eyes,  in our eye all of you is perfect, a special gift from God. She sacrifice her life and her time for you and still you ashamed of her? What do you feel if your mother feel ashamed of you just because of those generic problem?" My father asked me after a very long-meaningful speech.

  

I was gobsmacked and I cried very hard after that speech of my father. I went to my mother and asked for forgiveness for ever feel ashamed of her. Since then those feeling no longer crossed my mind anymore because I am proud of my mother no matter what. I only thought of her sacrifice and love for us that beyond word.

That's why I love to read and hear inspirational story because it help me to realize my mistake and learn from it. The story above remind me of my foolishness in the past and make me realize all over again the unconditional love that my parent have bestowed upon me and I hope that this story will make you realize of your parent unconditional love too.. Hmmm, siapa cakap time hari ibu atau hari bapa saja kita boleh cakap pasal pengorbanan dorang kan..

P/S: You might already know this story but as always me too want to point out my view..hahaha, penyibuk betul kan.. (^_^)V

Back To Memory Lane:- Biodata

Yesterday, a friend of mine tagged my a pic of mine in Facebook that make me shout "Oh My God! Is that my handwriting?" loudly. I couldn't believe she still keep all of those bio-data after years. I couldn't even remember when did I wrote those bio-data..

My Biodata

I showed the pics to my hubby and guess what happened? He laughed on me! Between his laugh he manage to ask, "How old are you when you wrote those bio-data?" 

"For God sake, how could I remember. It's like ages ago!" I snapped to him, annoyed being his object of jokes yet me too couldn't help myself from laughing as well. Just look at the pics of my bio-data  then you will understand why my hubby laugh of me. It's so damn funny! It's good to be remind about this stuff actually..

Correction, my place of birth is not Hospital Daerah Ranau because according to my mom who know the fact very well, I was born in our home at Kampung Tudangan, Ranau. My mom said, she couldn't make it to the Hospital since there are no transportation and I just couldn't wait up to see the world =P that the delivery process was as easy as poo-pooing.

Yep, my hobby is still reading. I loves reading!

Ambition: Doctor or Scientist ? I could never be a doctor because I cannot stand the sight of blood. However, I almost become a scientist because I was a chemist before I change my career to another profession (accounting & administration) due to health issues.

Sweet memory? Of course my childhood years! I am not sure  why did I said getting a new friend as a sweet memory back then but maybe it's because I was a very shy girl back then and getting a new friend consider a sweet thing for a shy girl like me.

Bad memory? Lots of bad memory but I considered my ordeal in dealing with my beloved father death is the bad amongst all. BUT, being chased by this nasty dog of my neighborhood also one of my bad memory.I have lots of girlfriend and boyfriend but my best pals are Falinah, jarinah, Linda, Betsy, Eyrah, Puspawaty, Ganda, Giwin, Jaskson etc and most of them are my classmates.

THANK YOU still a sweet word for me but I will say "I LOVE YOU MOMMY" is the sweetest of all and I hate the words " WAR" and "VIOLENCE".

Actually looking back to this bio-data makes me realize how naive and foolish I was  back then. It also remind me that we can only planned our future but in the end God is the one who decide our destination. 

Have you ever stumble upon your old notes, bio-data etc? How do you feel about it? Come on, don't be shy, share it to us!

Okay, now you can laugh as much as you can. I won't get mad because laugh is the best medicine!

My pillow and blanket is missing me so gonna stop now and drifted to lala land with them. Good night and remember PEACE NO WAR! (^_^) v 

P/S: I wonder whether kids nowadays still did this kind of activities, you know asking their friend to fill their bio-data book.. 

Little Notebook With Thousand Memory

My little notebook..

This morning I was rummaged through the kitchen cabinet when I found something belonged to me that missing few years ago wrapped with newspaper & hidden among the dishes & glassware. It used to be my handy notebook where I pour out my sadness, my disappointment, my tears  & my wishes but I lost it and never able to trace it until this morning. (Actually, it was an autograph book that I turned into notebook)

I stopped my activities, go the living hall and started reading whatever I've wrote down in the note book and then the tears started to pour unconsciously. Every single words written in this book reminded me of my hard time during the early years of my marriage. Every pages was written with a poem that pictured my feeling during those year and the content was really personal to me. I lost track of time while reading it and I don't even notice that I cried out loud until my hubby asked me, " What happened? Why are you crying?'

"Nothing important. It's just that this note of mine make me cry." I explain to him.

"What note? It's must really touching if it make you cry." Hubby teases me.

"This note," I showed it to him. 

"How did you find it?," he asked me with guilty look on his face.. Nah, kedapatan suda siapa yang kasi tapuk..

"I found it in our kitchen cabinet, wrapped with newspaper & hidden very well among the glassware," I said to him before adding, "it's okay. I don't mad at all but this note is really personal. I am just glad I found it again." 

Years ago, I was too shy and ashamed to share my problem especially something concerned with my marriage with other people including my family that caused me to undergo a very critical emotion breakdown. Then a friend of mine advised me not to bottle up my feeling/emotion to myself. She said if I can't talk about it, I can write it down in a book or maybe a piece of paper to ease down the pressure in my heart and mind. This kind of therapy really worked for me and this note is one of the media where I channel my worries and problem..

Unlike most people who preferred to burn this kind of books/note/diaries, I keep all of mine not because I can't let it go but more about the sentimental value to me. This little notebook really hold thousand of memory that I will cherish. Though most of it about the bitter time I've encountered but still it's precious because I learn a lots of lesson during those bitter day of mine..

What will you do if you found something that remind you about your misery? Will you burn it or maybe bury it or will you keep it as a reminder that you are a survivor? 

MY MEMORY with LITTLE FINGERS

MY MEMORY with LITTLE FINGERS

Due Date : End of April 2011

Tagged by me: Lenn

( Interested & wanna join, please click the banner )

HAHAHAHAHA.. Writing about memories is one of my passion.. I can write pages about it so don't get bored and kio! Thanks Just for tagging me along..Okay here we go! Chaiyo chaiyo everyone!

I have four kids that I love more than anything.. My memories with them are priceless that I will cherished for the rest of my life no matter it's a bitter or sweet memories.. If I got all the time in this world I loves to shared all of it but for this entry i will shared my memories with my youngest son..

After I gave birth of my daughter, I decided that I don't want more kids and told my hubby that 3 is enough.. But I a just another mere human being to planned but above all God is the one who decide what the  best for us.. I was shocked to find out that I am pregnant again when my daughter was just 7 year old. Frankly, I feel a bit ashamed and scared when I got the news because my hubby have to resigned due to his company bad economic situation and some misunderstanding with his superior. At that time, I have just found another job with better salary and it's really a bad time to found out about my pregnancy..

I didn't go to clinic to do the monthly checking due to my works demand beside I was just started working.. My family financial situation were really bad and in the end I have to quit my job to take care of my kids since the daycare where we sent our kids won't tolerate our late payment anymore.. I was 4 months pregnant at  that time and my health really in bad condition.. My hubby and I pleaded to the daycare manager but they won't listen to us no matter what the excuses

My 2nd son have to quit from attending the private kindergarten his brother used to attend due to our hardship to pay the expensive fee though the principal was against our decision. She said we can pay when we have money but my hubby was too proud to accept her offer.. After I quit from my job then only I went to the government clinic to do my monthly check-up.. My 1st check-up was okay, no problem and no complication except for my lack of hemoglobin in my blood..

However, I was shocked  when I was diagnosed with hypertension a.k.a high blood pressure during my 2nd visit while I am almost 6 month pregnant. They want to admit me to the ward for observation since my blood pressure is too high but I pleaded them not too and told them that maybe it was due to my family financial problem that stressed me up.. Such a relief when they allowed me to go home with condition where I must see the doctor whenever I feel dizzy..

However, I am not so lucky during my next appointment (7 months)where they admitted me to Hospital Serdang because of my high blood pressure.. I feel really bad to leave my kids with my hubby during that time since I know my hubby working day and night  to support our family and it;s mean he have to stay at home to take care of them.. I was discharged after 2 days at hospital with lots of medication. I hate pills but at that time I forced myself to consume all of those pills to make sure nothing bad will happen to me and my baby in my womb.

2 weeks later, I was admitted to the hospital again! This time the doctor want to hold me until I gave birth but I pleaded to them not to do so.. I explained my hard situation, hoping them to understand that maybe it's not as bad as they think it was, that my blood just risen due to my anxiety and pressure of thinking about my family situation.. At last they discharged me with warning..

2 weeks after that, on 7th may 2009, I was admitted again to hospital and this time I was going to give birth of my baby! I was 8 month ( ngam-ngam 32 weeks  ) at that time! I still remembered how scared I was and hoping that my hubby was with me.. I asked the nurse to call my hubby at his office to inform about my condition..

I was arrived at Hospital Serdang around noon and the doctor explained to me the situation that they have to force my labor because my blood pressure is too high even after they give me certain dose of medication. They said it was too dangerous for me and my baby to wait any longer. I asked them to do the best for my baby and me.. I was given the 1st dose of medication to expenditure my labor just after the doctor briefed me about my condition. After 2 hours, my delivery passage just opened about 3cm and my blood pressure risen drastically.. The doctor advised me to take the "epidural" before they give me the 2nd dose ( drugs to expenditure the labor ) to reduce the pain as well as to maintain my blood pressure.. I have to sign the permission paper all by myself because my hubby haven't arrived yet.

After 2 hours of the 2nd dose, the delivery passage were opened just about 6cm, far from the normal 10cm and they started to worry because I was getting weaker (my blood pressure is 200/95 )and my baby movement also lessen yet the heart beating still as strong as before. So they decided to give me the 3rd dose and after it if I still show no sign of giving birth then they will proceed with the caesarean as the last option.. All the time I prayed to God to give the baby and me the strength and I keep saying to my baby in my womb to be patient and stay with me..

Around 5.45pm, all of sudden I felt a sharp pain on my pelvis, so I called for the doctor and nurse. They rushed and checked on me and inform me to follow their instruction to push when they ask because I can't feel any pain or momentum that can signaled me to push like my past labor due to the epidural anesthetic they gave me. At that time I can barely hear them because i feel like fainting and everything around me got hazy and kinda blur but I still manage to follow their instruction and  give my all to push when they ask me.. Then, all I can remember was hearing my baby crying, the smell of blood,  the nurse voice saying " Haryati, open your eye. See you got a baby boy " and the seeing my baby face for the 1st time before I lost conscious.

When I opened my eyes again, I was still in the same room but with lots of wire attached to me and my flat stomach with panic.. Then the nurse came in with a bundle in her hand washed away all feel of insecurity in me. I asked the nurse what happened and the nurse said they almost lost me but miraculously I make it through yet they have to separate me from my baby for a day to observe my blood pressure.. Holding my baby in my arms and feeding him gave me all the strength and as always I cried and silently I thanked the almighty God for giving me chance to watch him grow up..

One & only pic I have of my 4th son - he was 2 days old

My baby was just 8 month when I gave birth of him but he was normal and okay.. He was born at 6.08pm on 7th May 2009 with 2.79kg in weight.. We spend another 2 weeks in the hospital because of my blood pressure.. Unlike his brothers and sister, he don't have G6PD.. He is such a adorable baby boy.. I don't have many picture of him taken when he was just a baby and all the pic I have of him taken by my sister in law ( thanks to them )..

I cherished all of my memories with every single of my pregnancy ( 4 kali tau ) but my last pregnancy with my prince of smiling, Eyas will be the one I remembered the most due to the difficulties and ordeal I been trough with my hubby at that time.. After I gave birth of my last baby, everything get better and better day after day.. My hubby  changed to be a better person, a better husband and most of all a wonderful father..

As for me, I thanks God for every single second he gave me in order  to watch and see my kids grow up especially my youngest son, my prince of smiling who always take away my pain and stress everytime I look into his smiling face..

Botak for the 1st time

He is photo friendly!

Smile that sparked my life

  

Eyas & me

 P/S:- Kan saya dah kata.. I can write long pages if it something about memories!