Story Of My Past

Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim...

As I promised, though it took me sometime to publish and here is my story of my past.. It's not detailed but it I hope it enough to give you all a glimpse of my past that not as good as your..

Pic By Mr.google

I don't really know where should I begin but I think it's better if I give you all a glimpse of myself; attitude/ behavior/ personality when I was younger. I am the youngest in my big family and the closest one to my father that some people said I was over-pampered by him. I excelled in my study since I was in primary school and finished my secondary school with good result during SPM 1999, though not as I targeted. I was a stubborn, tomboyish girl who never give a damn about stuff that normal teenager might involved and often bragging about not getting married especially not with Malay guy..Ironically, I end up with a Malay guy..Life is so unpredictable..

I never parted from my family especially my parent and pursuing my study at Matriculation college in KK was my very 1st experience being separated from them though every weekend I went back to Ranau. That was also my 1st experience to mix with new circle of friends that more worldly and exposed to the outside world than my friends back in Ranau. I was amazed at their level of knowledge about world/stuff that I fast became their friend. In fact the the name "Molly" was given to me by one of them. I was too close with my new friend that I almost forgot my childhood best friend, Falinah (Ellow) and at one time we quarreled over trivial matter that make us enemy for quite sometime  (I am sorry again for that stupid quarrel, Ellow) though we are good now. You see, I was so naive about lots of stuff and being a teenager I was too curious that I want to know more and want to learn more about stuff, positively or negatively. At that time I was already addicted to the MIRC and befriended lots of  people from virtual world..(Some of them still in contact with me until now)

My parent especially my father trusted me completely because I never did anything reckless in my life before. I finished my matriculation in just a year then got an offer from UKM to pursue my study in Chemical Technology. I was devastated actually because UKM was my last choice which I filled up in my UPU form (1st until 4th option was UMS). I didn't want to go that far when UMS is just 2 hours from my hometown but my father and family seem happy to let me go. Mad and devastated with them, I got drunk with my ex-schoolmate and make a scene at my village on that particular night to show my protest . Luckily, nothing serious/ bad happened to me because my ex-schoolmate took really good care of me and send me back home in good condition..(Thanks again Giwin) I can't imagine what would happened to me if only he took advantage of me..(palis2)  That was my 1st time being reckless and foolish yet my family still trusted me because they understood how scared I was to separated with them.

I was not ready to face the new world of Peninsular Malaysia yet I went there, mentally unprepared of the new people and lifestyle over there. I was given the key of my freedom and stupidly I vowed to use it with vengeance..Really stupid of me.. 2 month later I got to know my hubby via chat-world channel in MIRC. He was using 'Burger King' as his username and I remembered that I was the one who hit on him 1st for using those username. We quarreled online but then after sometime we became friend, exchange number until one day we decided to meet up at my hostel area at Kolej Rahim Kajai, UKM. After that we became closer though we never meet again until July 2001. He called me everyday, asking about me and I guessed that was why I melted into him. I was so engrossed and blinded by my new founded feeling that I forgot about my family and my promise with my father. 

Pic By Mr. Google

Ashamedly, I admitted that I lost everything to my hubby because my mind defeated by my own lust and curiosity. Yep, I was one of those stupid young woman who gave up everything she got because of thing so-called LOVE but in my case it never really about that. It was just me being stupid, naive and blind over sweet word and promise when the truth were I never really know what love is and my hubby background that well. he introduced me to his family and I get along very well with my MIL who told me and warned me about his past, that he might not serious about me at all. She said my hubby might just want to get revenge for being dumped by his former girlfriend from Philippines. I was so scared after I knew about his past and at the same time I found out that I was pregnant. I was torn apart.. It felt like tons of brick fall upon me..

I don't have anyone to confide with.. I couldn't tell my family because I know they will surely hate me and condemn me. I was too ashamed to tell my friends because I know they will call me fool or worse they might labeled me as slut. It crossed my mind to do abortion just to hide my sin but I couldn't because I don't want to commit bigger sin than I already did. I don't want to be amongst those heartless people who aborted and dumped their baby. I want to I keep the baby because I love him already. I keep my distance from my family and friends because I was afraid of what they gonna do and think of my pregnancy. At last I told my hubby about it and I was bit relief because he promised to take responsibility and I stay with his sibling during my semester break(1st year) but my big brother came looking for me at my MIL home (Kajang) and took me back to my hometown. 

Back there my family insisted me to do medical check-up and I told my mother about my condition and manage to cover my condition with lies. I persuaded her to kept it secret until I return to KL and she did so. She only told my father about it when I already in KL and my father call me right away, asked me to come back, that nobody will hate me no matter what happened but I was already smitten/committed by my hubby promises that I turned my back against my father and hurt him terribly. I converted into Islam and got married without my father consent. I betrayed my father trust and tarnished my family good reputation. It really such a shock for my father since I was the center of the family and he love me the most amongst his children. I thought that I was no longer have place in my family heart. I am the black sheep in the family. I am the thorn that sting them.

As I thought I made the right choice, that my life will be better but I thought wrong because I never felt true happiness. I always shadowed by my guilt toward my family. I cannot live in peace because day after day I was haunted by my mistaken over turning my back against my family and hurting them. I didn't ask fro their forgiveness and worse I didn't contact them because I thought they hate me and they were angry at me. Everyday I thought of them and cried. At last, when I  no longer stand it, I make myself strong and called my parents, asking for their forgiveness and blessing. I told them everything and guess what? My family especially my father still love me even after all I have done. They forgave me despite of the hurt and humiliation I put them through. YES, I am blessed for having such a wonderful family..My father said, no  matter what happened I am still their beloved daughter..

When I 1st learned of my pregnancy, I thought that the end of my study, my life. I was so afraid of what kind of future would I have if I don't finished my degree. I want to prove that I might strayed but I can excelled in my study..Most young woman might quit studying if they were in my condition but I ignored peoples sneer and negative stare and continue my study after I gave birth of my son. I know there were nothing I can do to mend the damage I caused in my family but I wanted to redeem myself by showing them that I will get my degree and indeed I got it.. 

You see, this story is kind of story you've heard and familiar with but to me who experience and been there, it something that I treasure because the experience had taught me lots about life and it meaning. Yes, it was not something I am proud about because it show how weak I was to temptation but still I am proud with myself because I survived and able to raise again from my fall though my achievement is not as great as other.

 

Actually the story still far from ended but I only have permission to reveal this far.. The rest of it concerned with my marriage and it is private..

To all young woman out there who did the same mistake as I did, please don't make bigger sin than you already commit.. Allah is merciful and forgiving.  

Happy Monday and Happy working!

P/S: To me, it is okay to glance back to our past once in while, just to remind us about the significant lesson we learn from it..=)