I suppose to post this during my return to my beloved village on 17th until 20th September but due to the poor Digi broadband/3G/Internet connection at my village I have to hold it until I return to KL. I thought I want to post it yesterday but I don't have those 'FREE' times because well you know, load of work at home and office waiting for me. So I only manage to post this after I sort out all of those tasks which is today.. I do realize that this month I rarely update my blog, missed to post entry for WW and I missed my blog-hopping since last week.. Haiya, I have not finish the story of my past yet!! However, I will try to finish it before end of this month and for now let hear out why I did not go back to my village for such a long time...
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| Image credited to google.com |
Yep, I went back to my village on 17th until 20th Sept, alone because I need to do it by myself.. I can't describe the feeling of happiness and relief because after almost 5 years delaying and finding excuses, I find the strength to face and accept the fact of my father death. For years I dwell in my grief and refuse to go back home because I know going back there will definitely remind me of my father 'absence' though I miss my mom very much. I keep in my mind that my dad is still there in my village waiting for me and if I dont go back he will be always there waiting for me..
Yes, that was me running away from the reality and living in the world of my own creation. For years my mom persuaded me to come home but I am too scared of the truth that will crash down my world of creation. I always make excuses from going back when the truth is I was just can't accept the fact.
Last year my big bro said this to me, "Nung, how long you gonna run from the fact? Our dad is gone but our mom is still there waiting for you! Do you think dad can rest in peace if he know his beloved daughter live in denial of his death and cannot let him go? Do you think he can rest in peace if he know you ignore our mom plea because you refuse to accept the fact? Mom is getting older and always sick. She miss you so much.. You don't want the history to repeat right?"
My big bro advice hit my wall of defense and rock my world to its core.. I dont want the history repeat itself and I want my father soul rest in peace. Though it was very hard for me but after being counseled and advice by certain people, I decided to go back ..When I arrived at KKIA (terminal 2) I have the same feeling that I have 5 years ago on 25th Sept 2006, messy but this time I don't have those anticipation that the news of my father death was lie and he will be there to greet, hug and talk to me because I know he is no longer there..
I have thru many obstacle but my father death really make me lost my way.. I blame myself for his death. He suffered a lot because of my mistake. I knew I hurt him.. I was the last person informed by my family about my father death and that was one of reason I feel so damn angry and hurt.. I was the last person among my sibling who arrived at my village and I only manage to see his face for like few minutes before they buried him. I couldn't touch him and all I can see was his face through the glass pane on his coffin.. At that time I set my mind that he was just sleeping, that he not yet dead.. When I returned to KL, I started to create my own world that effected my health, my work and almost lost my sanity.. Only after I gave birth of my daughter that I rebuild my career yet I still running from the fact of my father death.. Lot of people thought that I was okay because I am very good at hiding my sadness and misery.. Whenever people talked about my father, I turned deaf to them and I ignored any statement that will brought up my father absence..Then I will cried in darkness every time I thought of him.. Might sound really silly for some people but I really did that because I was unable to grasp my father sudden death.. For years I live like that until those words of my big bro hit me and make me realize of my stupidity..
After those advice of my big bro, I talked with certain people and they said I must letting go and forgive myself and the best way is to go back to where the reality awaiting to be acknowledge by me and this time I am ready to letting go..I feel better after I go back to my hometown, talked to my mother and let go every single reason that caused me refusing to accept my father death starting with forgiving myself.. I am not saying that I will let go everything about him because I am holding our memory close to my heart as a reminder of him.. I knew my father will always watching over me..
Really sorry if I bored you all with this sad story of mine but I want to share about how important to let go of something that bugged and sadden our life because life is so short to dwell in such grief and everyone will die and everything will come to end sooner or later.. I really hope you can learn something from this story of mine.. Until next post, Good day Everyone!..
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