Malaysia won the AFF Suzuki Cup !

Malaysian supporter gathered to cheer for the team

AFF Suzuki Cup is officially belonged to Malaysia after defeating Indonesia (2-4 Agg). I am happy but I am disappointed with Malaysia team because to me the winning seem like a lucky one. To my eyes they were not playing at their best last night! They are lack of trying to shoot for a goal and everybody is too engrossed to defend their goal post than attacking the Indonesia Goal post. If only they manage to maintain the 1-1 goal than the winning will be with style.


Last night Malaysian supporter including me were cheering for them and I am glad that they win though not in style and I believe Malaysian supporter knew that our young players have done their best.

Indonesia dominating the whole game since from the beginning. They keep attacking and trying to shot for a goal but maybe luck was not in their side while Malaysia keep defending their goal post! Maybe it was their strategy to deter the Indonesia player from having a chance to shot a goal but at the same time they were doing it without proper strategy that caused one of Malaysian defender to shot goal for Indonesia. I think Malaysia Goal keeper, Fahmi can catch the ball if only the defender didn't interfere.

However they still done a good job and deserve the winning since they work hard for it since the 1st match against Indonesia where they were defeated (5-1). I really admired the skill and courage showed by Malaysian goal keeper and the team should be thankful to him for saving quite a lots of  try from Indonesia to get through their goal post.

Congratulation to Safee Sali for winning the top scorer title! You rock man! Congratulation for the team for winning the Suzuki Cup! Though they didn't ganyang Indonesia support with numbers of goal but at least they win the cup!

I hope Malaysia team will keep on improving their performance and skill to ensure that they can fight a greater opponent in future. Nothing impossible if they work hard for it.

Also million thanks to Prime Minister, Dato' Sri Najib Tun Razak for announcing Friday as Public Holiday as a reward for winning AFF Suzuki Cup! We should proud because the games was shown live through ESPN channel 813 where the whole world might watching it!

Bits of news about Malaysia Winning :~
Malaysia clinche victory at the Gelora Bung Karno Stadium
Malaysia put up strong show to lift AFF title for the first time
Najib declared Friday a Holiday!

Thing Happened For Reason - Be Strong My Brother..

Midnight is time that I spare for myself to lay down staring at the ceiling and think back about my life. Last night all of sudden I was thinking about my older brother. He is going through a very harsh stage of life right now yet he never show his true feeling to any of us including my mother who loves him so dearly.

When I think about him I feel that I am luckier than him though my earning is far from enough to support my big family because he is so lonely. He have a good career with excellent salary but nobody to share all of those thing he have. He a daughter but his relationship with his daughter is altered because of the mother doing.

Recently during Christmas day, I was able to see him again after few year lack of communications due to my cowardliness and embarrassment. I am so happy to see him but I am taken aback with the longing look in his eyes when he played with my kids. At that moment I knew that he is in misery. I know about his problem through my mother but my brother tried to act that he is okay when I asked him about his life, his daughter and said he will going to see her soon.

Though I am not as close to him as my other brother, Peter but I loves him and adores him. Thinking of his condition wretched my heart. My father once said to me that everything happened for reason but I can't think a single reason on why should my brother life become complicated like this. I know he is stubborn and he even have a  tantrum but other than that he is a kind  guy and he deserve happiness in his life.


I prays that he will find happiness in his life. I am grateful because I still have my kids though things always find foul with me.. No matter what happen, I believe that God is watching over us all.. We only have to put our faith in God..

To my brother, please don't give up your hope and expectation in life. Things happened for reason. Our father will always watching over us from above. Remember, you still have us by your side and we will always support you.

Relaxing the Blurry Mind

3 more days before 2011 yet here I am with my blurry and mingling mind that just now I was staring to the monitor for quite sometimes, like I was frozen for a moment before I start to type down this entry.

Sometimes this condition happened to me because I am too engrossed with my thought on about how fast time passed by. My mind is trying to grasp this fact and I think it stop to function properly due to thousand of memory flashed back that I couldn't put it into words! My mind is like a mixed-up puzzle that I need to rearrange it back to get the picture back.

This condition also happened to me when I am too nervous or anxious about sometime that my mind will acted to block my nerves system that caused me to froze for a while.. Yes, it is really hilarious but that's me and I am used to it.. It's not a bad condition and I think 9 from 10 person happened to face the same condition as me.

Whenever this happened, all I have to do is ~ Take a deep breath ~ Think of the blue ocean ~ Think of My kids smiley face ~ RELAX~ and I will be okay few minutes later!

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2010

Last time I celebrated this event is 10 years ago before I converted to Islam. Frankly, I misses to celebrate Christmas very much but please do not misunderstand because I just miss the celebration not my former religion. I misses the Christmas present giving, I  misses the decoration, I misses the family gathering on this event and I misses the foods!

I still celebrate Christmas but not as happening as before since here in Peninsular, people will eyes us suspiciously especially about this that concerned with religion. I have once asked a friend who asked an expert on thing like this whether it is wrong to me to celebrate Christmas with my family and I am glad upon his explanation that it is okay as long as I know the boundaries. He said that what matter the most is our faith in Allah and our intention on celebrating.




So, I would like to shout to the world especially to my beloved mother and families back at Sabah a very Happy Christmas! May Happiness and Grace bestow upon us all and peace and harmony spread worldwide!

My Happy Ending!

Everyone want a happy ending! Everyone planned their life to meet happily ever after yet to me it only existed in fairy tales. Life is reality of love,happiness, betrayal,hurt,sadness and disappointment, so I always keep my life reality checked though I love creating my own fairy tales in my head.


I don't expect perfection in my life because nothing, nobody perfect in reality and even sciences proved that it is a fact that we should keep in our mind. To me, achieving some of my long-listed purpose and dreams are satisfying and good enough to be my happy ending!

From Internet Surfer to Novel writer =)

It feel likes been ages since my last entry..
There is communication error regarding to my company internet line and still on process of recovery.
I lodged a report to TM customer hotline (100) since last Tuesday and until now there no proper action been made except for their constant call asking us whether the connection is still got problem or not..

Working without internet really slow me down since I am used to do 2 things at the same times.. While I wait for any delivery order and invoices being printed, I surfed the net.. I also chatted with my online friends but since last Tuesday I feel like my world is boring without internet. Yes, I am able to do my task faster but i have nothing to do after I done everything..

I am writing a novel to fill up my leisure time nowadays. I always wanted to do so but keep post-phoning it. Now I have a lot of free time so I decides that it's time for me to do it..
I hope I am able to finish writing it..

Balance Bring Forward

As far as I remember, i have so many purpose that unfulfilled and I keep forwarding it each year. It's really suck because I am 28 years old and i still have like 10+ purpose I've not done properly yet!!

I have so many expectation in my life! And maybe that's why it's really hard to fulfill every single thing I expect from my life especially after I ruined my own plan that I  planned during my teenage year.. I don't have anyone to blame for since it's my mistake. I have endured self-respect crash for some years before I got up one day, looking into my 1st born baby and said to myself that I must be strong, keep my head up and moved on with my life. Until then, my life purpose totally changed 360 degree because I have my kids future to consider with.

Nowadays, my life purpose mostly about my kids well-being and my dreams as well. I don't think I am ready to give up my childhood dream and I will make sure that one day it will come true before my life end..

Each year I am struggling and doing my best to fulfill every single purpose I have made and it's not as easy as people might seem. Being alone in metropolitan city that have no mercy on weak people and surrounded by money-greed people, the task is much more challenging and hard. If you are too weak and naive, you might allured into fulfilling your purpose by the illegal but easy way!

I am glad that I have my family moral support though they live far away in Sabah. It's enough for me to keep myself in the right path in fulfilling my dreams and purpose. Not once but over and over again people especially those i know online try to talk me into doing something bad but thank God that He gift me mind that can differ between bad and good. Although I have done mistake before but it doesn't mean that I will repeat the same mistake and I learn a lot from my past mistake!

Though I keep forwarding my unfulfilled dreams and purposes each year like a debt balance being forwarded I am proud with myself because I doing it the right way! It's might take quite some times to fulfill all of them  but I still believe that  I can achieve its.

Free Movie Marathon!

Who say we cannot do movie marathon for free.. With ASTRO movie channel, we can do it at home with our family!

Every times my family and I decided to stay at home we will do this and we enjoyed very much.. Though the movie has been played many times before yet it still enjoyable to watch especially with our love one..It kind of our bonding because all of my family member including the youngest one love watching movie!

Don't think that movie marathon can only done by going to cinema! All of us can do it at home since home theater existed! Moreover, it's free!

Harian Metro & Kosmo! : Idea No more??

Among many papers available here in Malaysia, I dislike Harian Metro and Kosmo! the most. Why? The answer is simple; because they reported a lot of trivial matter than significant ones.. Do we really want to know about trivial stuff such as weird animal, mystical stuff etc.. Yes, the papers still reported some important local news but 45% only and the rest were irrelevant news.. News paper should reported about relevant ongoing stuff...


Their choice of words for the title and also the content were another thing that really irritates me about this papers..  I don't wanna explain further because I don't want any reason for them to find fault with me later..

Let me conclude my reason on why I dislike this papers in simple words;~

• Lack of relevant news/event
• using "conceited" words ( in both title & contents )
• comical way of content evaluation - makes me think that the news is just rumors
• Dominating advertisement - Dr.Romzey appeared in every edition of Harian Metro like he own it! WTH!

If you are one of those weirdo stuff fan, I suggest you to read this papers because the papers itself are weirdo..I might be reading fanatic but still I choose my reading stuff and this papers were listed last in my choice.. To all Harian Metro & Kosmo! fan; no hard feeling okay!! This is just me expressing what I think.. Reading is good no matter what you read but your choice of reading material define something about you.. So, it's your choice!

Fifteen Things God Won’t Ask..

God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation. God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.
God won’t ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed.
God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.
God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.
God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.
God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.
God won’t ask what your job title was, but will ask if you reformed your job to the best of your ability.
God won’t ask what you did to help yourself, but will ask what you did to help others.
God won’t ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.
God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.
God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.
God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.
God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn’t. 


My POV :~
# We might not perfect and to do all the qualities above seem impossible to accomplish since we're not a saint but at least we can try..

Million Thanks to:---> inspirational stories for sharing awesome story/quotes !! 

LOVE - WEALTH - SUCCESS

The story :~
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beard in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said, " I don't think I know you but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
" Is the man of house home ?", they asked.
" No, he is out ", she replied.
" Then we cannot come in, " they replied.

In the evening when her husband home, she told him what happened.
" Go and tell them I am home and I invite them in !"
The woman went out and invited the men in.
" we do not come to the house together, " they replied.
" why is that ?" she asked.
One of the old men explained. " His name is wealth, " he said pointing to one of his friend, and said pointing to another one, " He is success and I am love." Then he added, " Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her  husband was overjoyed. " How nice!!" he said.
" Since that is the case, let us invite the wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!!!!"
His wife disagreed. " My dear, why don't we invite success??"
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion, " would it not better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!!!"

" Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
" Go out and invite Love to be our guest".
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, " which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest".
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the woman asked Wealth and Success, " I only invited Love. Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together, " If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other 2 of us would've stayed out. But since you invited love, wherever he goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there also Wealth and Success!!!"

Moral of the story:

LOVE LEAD US TO BETTER THINGS SUCH AS WEALTH, SUCCESS,  HAPPINESS....

YES, THERE WOULD BE TIME WHEN LOVE HURT BUT BEYOND IT LOVE STILL CURE...

Stressful Year End

Year end is suppose to be anticipate by most people because it's time for holiday yet for me year end is the most stressing period since during this period my mind is coping with so many figure especially those concerning with my kids school preparation; books, tuition, apparatus, bus fees, school fees etc.

Well, my salary is just in average level, means it is okay yet living in metropolitan city like KL demand more than my salary can afford.. Everything we did here have cost and the cost is not as cheap as you think.. I wish i am living back at my village where the cost the lower!!!

I am 28 years old and I still have to settle my PTPTN loan.. I planned to settle it in 5 years yet with the rates I am paying back to PTPTN right now i think it might need more than 5 years to be settle.. I wish the government will evaluate back the interest that we have to pay.. My situation is worst because they already black-listed me at the Immigration and that caused a lot of trouble to me and prevent me from achieve more from my recent career..

Hopefully everything will be work as i planned....

My Favorite Rapper : EMINEM

Eminem aka Marshal Bruce Mathers III is my favorite rapper all the times.. I don't really like rap song but Eminem songs is exceptional.. I love all of his songs!!!! Every single song of his are my favorite..

I wish I could buy all of his Original Album but I couldn't afford it before yet now I am planning to buy it from online one by one until I have all of his album.. I am not fanatic of him but I just loves his song because it's inspiring me.. He produce a rap song that understandable and not like the other rapper with their cacamambra language.. Yes, sometimes his song contain the " *uc* " etc words yet it is still a great song..

Yesterday I heard his " NO LOVE " for the 1st time via MTV channel and I fall in love with the song instantly.. It's a awesome song..

Check out NO LOVE lyric ----->No Love lyrics by Eminem

Amateur Blogger!

What can I say.... I am absolutely an amateur blogger..

Yesterday, I spent most of my free time trying to learn the tips and tricks to create a NICE and BEAUTIFUL blog yet the result was indeed hilarious but quite okay for an amateur like me.. However it's really crammed my brain especially with the HTML editing.. It's really confusing to me since I hardly remember anything I learn in C++ course I took like 6 years ago.. Thanks to blogger help that i manage to edit some of feature in my blog though it took me whole day to figure out how to do it.

Million thanks to debscraft.com for giving away free beautiful background.. I really love my blog background that I used now  because it really define my blog a girl's never ending story..

Anybody who want to have one nice background like me can click the button above and see for yourself...

Also thanks to shabbyblogs blog for sharing some useful tips for an amateur like me.. They also offering awesome blog background, header and post divider. However I still can't manage to add post divider to my blog and hopefully i will learn how to do so very soon..

Anybody out there who happen to read this post, please help me by  advising me on how to add post divider using the new HTML code..

Prince of Curiosity Kindergarten Graduation Day

Yesterday was my 2nd son kindergarten graduation day though I was absent from attending it due to my work demand... Another chapter of his education level done and next year he will be start his new chapter in standard one at Sekolah Kebangsaan Puchong Indah..

I am proud of him because he is as clever as any private kindergarten pupils though he attended public kindergarten, also known as Tabika Kemas.. I may not attend any of his kindergarten meeting /  occasion but i know every single progress he did.. He is very good in Math and he loves science very much.. He is curious about everything and want answer of everything.. His favorite tv program are " science backyard " and " animal mechanical "..

My husband is the one who always attend his kindergarten meeting and for that I am very grateful to him.. I asked him to snap pic of our son taking his certificate but he can't take any because the place was crowded with thousand parent who attending the graduation day of their kid. Luckily, my son teacher already took a pic of  my son with certificate and it's enough for his album..

I will do my best to give my kids proper education for their future and hopefully my 2nd son eagerness in everything never fade away..

Congratulation my son, Mama really proud of you..

Always me,

New Gadget or Saving ??

End year is approaching and here I am once again planning what to do with my annual bonus ( if there any for me ). I am excited yet nervous at the same time because I expect too much I guess.. Last year I have to use my annual bonus to cover up our debt, so there not much left for me to buy things I want and there was nothing i kept for saving..

This coming soon annual bonus I am planning to buy new hand-phone, maybe I-phone or Blackberry but I am not sure whether it is necessary since I am not a gadgets collector, plus my hand-phone is still in good condition.. I feel like wanna buy it because I envied all of my friend that already using it!! It's really a worst excuse isn't it? I also thinking on saving it up since I already have everything I want for  now.. I think it's relevant since I wanna buy a bigger car for my bigger family in near future.. Our Viva can't hardly fit us all !

I am good in administering and managing my company account but I am really bad in managing my own finance!! I do have planning but always slipped away from my own planning!! I hope I am able to follow my plan this time so that I can save more money for children future..

Happy Deepavali!

I think this is funny since i don't have any close Indian friend yet I wanna wish Happy Deepavali to anyone concerned out there.. I do have Indian neighbors but I am not really friendly to them because of certain circumstance but I still want to wish it to them... 

I might not celebrating Deepavali yet here I am utterly happy because I am gonna have a long weekend with my family though most of it will be indoor since we rarely go out..

Frankly, I never really visit friend during Deepavali Festival because I don't have any close Indian friend in whole my life though one or two of my sister in law were Indian.. I wonder whether they celebrated it any longer since married to my brother..

Yet I think most people are happy and delight to celebrate this Festival as merry as Hari Raya Puasa , Chinese New Year  and Christmas festival because it's holiday time babe!!! Time to chill-ax and have a rest wherever you wanna be..

So have a happy Deepavali (to whom celebrating it), relax, enjoy and have a nice weekend to all of you..

Scream!!!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's it! I really want to scream out all of my tension off my head but I can't.. Not here in the middle of city full with people who might think that I am crazy if I do exactly that, screaming..

Screaming is a way of releasing tension out of our mind system though not supposedly being done frequently but occasionally.. Mean we cannot overdo it or other consequences might happen..

Back to my teenage years when I am still in my village, I used to scream whenever I feel like I can't take more pressure because it makes me feel good afterward.. screaming loose out my pressure knotted mind and make it think better and clearly afterward.. And I did it in the middle of our paddy field, screaming like maniac echoed by my mother angry voice, asking me what happened while I simply laughed like idiot..

However, here in Malaya I have to go to recreational parks such as Sunway Lagoon, Genting Highland, Bukit Gambang etc. just to scream out my tension.. Such a costly way that make me choose to cry in the dark of my room instead..  Or screaming out my lung to my pillow... Well, we have to be creative sometimes I guess even in finding the best and cheapest way to flush out our pressure..

I guess I will go to one of those recreational park along with my kids and husband because we need a break after all..

Enough is enough..

I start my day at office with tension and headache gripping my mind.. Why should those people keep asking me about that person problem.. Ya, we might be living together but it doesn't mean i know every single move that person did.. That person also never tell what he gonna do unless that person want me to help him lying and I hate that the most.. All my life I been helping that person too many time without asking anything except some changes in that person habits..

I received a call from those people asking me the arrival time of mine at office and I tell those people the truth ; 8.50am because I don't suspect anything.. Then those people tell me that that person only arrived at office at 9.30am and those people said they don't like it.. All i can say  is; really because as matter of fact it's none of my business.. I work for other company and those people don't have the right to ask me about me and they also don't have to use me to spy on that person.. This act really out of working ethics. However I can't be mad at those people because they asked me nicely.

The problem is that person.. That person acted without thinking of the consequences.. When problem arise, that person blame other people than admitting that he is wrong.. I hate this behavior the most!! there nothing wrong in admitting our mistake.. People will respect us more if we are humble enough to admit that we are wrong than lying to cover up our mistake.. I have learn from the hardest way that lying won't solve anything because once we lied we tend to create more lies and that mean we are living in lies..

I am ashamed of that person behavior and attitude.. That person see the worst in other people but he never realize that he is the worst.. Me too is not perfect because I admit that I have done so many mistake in my life as many as that person.. The difference is I regret every single mistake I have done while that person never and will never admit that he is wrong..

I am tired and i feel just want to give up hope in that person.. Or maybe I already give up because right now the only strength i have are inspire by my children.. They are the reason why I am still alive and fighting hard to give them the best in life..

Fave songs of my daughter & baby boy

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

Repeat:
 *Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!*

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.
(*repeat)

Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.
(*repeat)

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
Till the sun is in the sky.
(*repeat)

As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveller in the dark,—
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
(*repeat)

That's it.. Twinkle twinkle little star! Both of my daughter and baby boy love this rhymes very much.. My baby boy always humming this rhymes when he is playing inside his cot drawn in his own world.. While my daughter sing this song with her own version that make my husband and me laugh whenever we heard of it..

This is another favorite song of my daughter & baby son :-

Eminem - Love The Way You Lie Ft. Rihanna

What can I say... They just like this song very much!!!! Every time they heard it on air or watch the video music on tv, they will started singing and dancing.. Moody atmosphere will definitely vanish watching this two tiny people competing each other...

Nightmares and Sweet Dreams..

I am one of those people who can sleep through the night without any dreams, bad or good if I am in good state of health, emotionally and physically. Yet if i can choose, I rather have a sweet dreams then nightmares and I believe everyone want a sweet dreams instead of nightmares. In fact everyone hate nightmares! Unfortunately, we cannot choose what we gonna dream about.. Even the process of dreaming is still a mystery and no logic explanation available though many scientific research have been done that bring on more fascination about it..

I am not gonna explain about dreams because it's such a complex topic but you can read more about it at this link ---->Dream : Wikipedia

I still remember how I dream constantly about my father every night after he passed away that cause me awake and crying after that. This happened for months and effected my health emotionally and physically. To me, dreaming about my father is not a nightmare no matter what kind of dream it is.. It's not the dream that effected my health but it was my regret, guilt and my stubbornness to accept that my father is gone that caused all of those health havoc.But now, I am doing fine though I still dream about my father from time to time..

The scariest nightmare i ever have is to be trapped in a house full with worm!!! I am phobia with worm!! I don't know how it happened and when it start about but I do scare of worm. I can stand with reptile such as snake but anything come close as worm will scare me to death..As for my kids, I only know my eldest son nightmare because he will tell me about it right after I wake him up to get ready for school and so far the scariest, according to me is being chased away by zombie..( Laughing ) As for my Hubby, I think the scariest one is the he dreamed about right after he was released from the worst moment of his life.. The memory of him hugging me and the kids and crying while telling his dream will always stuck in my mind for the rest of my life.. Who said guy can't cry..Even the toughest guy will cry if he dream something like that and I won't tell what is my hubby dream all about because the dream is him to tell not mine.

If nightmare exist so do sweet dreams and talking about sweet dream make me smiling like a an idiot.. Well, i think the sweetest dream I ever have so far is to meet and fall in love with the guy I have a big crush on when I am in secondary school but I won't mention who he was because it will embarrass me.. At least he fall for me in my dreams, hahahahaha.. As for my hubby, I guess the sweetest dream he ever have ( so far ) is winning a Jackpot in his dream!!!

 You see, nightmares and sweet dream is just a part of human life.. Yet nightmares can effected us badly if we are weak enough and sweet dreams can drift us away from reality if we let it be.. So, It's okay to have a nightmares and sweet dream as long as we always on reality checked.

Dusun language days for my kids !!

I feel that teaching Dusun language to my kids and hubby is one of my priority nowadays because i found out that they are really poor with it. I spoke mixed language ( malay + english + Dusun ) with them and i think it's not enough since they barely talk in Dusun though they understand it.

I ask my eldest son to answer me in Dusun language whenever I talk with them using Dusun but he said  " Mama, it's sound weird and funny ". Yet he did try talking in Dusun with me in the end after arguing with me. My 2nd son is the funniest one since he like to imitating me speaking in Dusun and then start asking me with his never ending question such as " why should he learn speaking in Dusun? ", " why he have to speak in dusun with his Odu?", " How come his mother, me can speak in Dusun very good?" and many more other question that will make me snapped at him sometimes.. I hope I can do better with my daughter and youngest son since they are still in early age and according to expert it's better if we teach them to excel in languages since early ages.

My husband is the worst because he refuse to speak in Dusun though he can understand it.. He said he is too old to start learning it but I know it's just an excuses since there is no limit in learning.. Maybe it's a bit difficult but if we keep on practice we can be good at it.. Hopefully i can persuade him to try speaking in Dusun sometimes with me. However i am proud because he did understand it..

As for me, I am still good with my Dusun language and I am very proud with it.. I want my kids to speak it because I don't want my mother tongue being forgotten by future generation.. Although my kids were not born in Sabah but my blood, Sabahan blood is in their blood and that make them one of Sabahan too.. I guess i need to be more persistent to courage my kids speak in Dusun.. For a start, i will fix some day in a week for dusun speaking only in my home so that my kids will know that i am serious with it.

Hopefully my kids can speak Dusun better after this...

INSOMNIA ATTACK...

Since last week, insomnia is attacking me again. I can't have a peaceful sleep during night and cause me to wake up with migrain and stress in the morning time due to lack of good night sleep. I am thinking of consume sleeping pills if this situation prolong but i know that it's not the best solution beside i don't like taking pills.

Insomnia is most frequently defined by an individual's report of sleeping difficulties or sometimes described as sleeping disorder demonstrated by polysomnographic of disturbed sleep.

Types of insomnia

Insomnia can be classified as transient, acute, or chronic.

1. Transient insomnia lasts for less than a week. It can be caused by another disorder, by changes in the sleep environment, by the timing of sleep, severe depression, or by stress. Its consequences - sleepiness and impaired psychomotor performance - are similar to those of sleep deprivation
2. Acute insomnia is the inability to consistently sleep well for a period of less than a month.
3. Chronic insomnia lasts for longer than a month. It can be caused by another disorder, or it can be a primary disorder. Its effects can vary according to its causes. They might include muscular fatigue, hallucinations, and/or mental fatigue; but people with chronic insomnia often show increased alertness.^[Some people that live with this disorder see things as if they are happening in slow motion, wherein moving objects seem to blend together. Can cause double vision.

Many expert suggested  attention to sleep hygiene is an important first line treatment strategy and should be tried before any pharmacological approach is considered. Pharmacological treatments have been used mainly to reduce symptoms in acute insomnia; their role in the management of chronic insomnia remains unclear. It's mean, we need to figure out what cause the insomnia before we can tackle it down and have a good night sleep and say bye to panda eyes..

I think i will skip the sleeping pills and try to figure out why did i have this sleeping problem 1st so that i can sort it out from my mind.. I guess it's must have something to do with my anxiety and stress-out mind due to my personal problem.

PIECE OF MY HEART..

I am writing this not because i want to humiliate anybody but i only want to express what i feel deep inside my heart before it take away my sanity and strength. for almost 10 years I have to live with betrayal and pain because i make the wrong choice in my life and i don't want any other girls out there make the same mistake.

I don't know how  i survived with all of those pain that i have through because some of it really traumatized me and broke my self senses from inside. I don't have anyone here in Malaya who can support me morally. I rather keep it in my heart than discuss it with any of my in law family because i learned from the past. My family live far away from me back at Sabah and the only connected us is telephone. My father is the who always there to listen to me pouring out all my heart before this but since he passed away 4 years ago, i don't any except my mother yet i don't want to burden her.

I don't want to mention who hurt me over and over again. whenever that person lost his temper, he will start threatening me and humiliate me in public with his attitude and words. He promise to change but he never did. I really want to be free from him but he is important to my family. I have sacrificed too much for him but he never appreciate any of it.

I pray to God to give me strength and patience but I am no angel and my patience is limited. I know one day i have to let him go and i hope by that time i am strong enough to do so.. I believe God is fair in everything. I have to admit that i have a foul mouth but i am not a bad person. I don't hold grunge because I let God do the punishment for me.

Story Of My Father, My Idol..

MY BELOVED FATHER

Dunggi Marudin, that is my beloved father name. He has 14teen kids; 7 kids frm his 1st wife and 7 kids from his 2nd wife ( my mother ). I don't know much about his work background though he did told me about it so many but it was my fault for being so unobservant.

My father loves all of his kids though he rarely show it but as a person who always spent a lot of time with him before I leave my village to pursue my study, I know that he loves all of his kids unconditionally. Some of us did complained that he was unfair in showing his love yet the truth is he never differ his love to any of us. 

My father was not a wealthy man. He did not own a huge bungalow or fancy car yet he did inherited some good properties from his parent. He manage to support us till we are able to support ourselves. He is very good in fixing thing especially electronic stuff and also vehicles. Some of us did inherited his talent in fixing thing.

My father is the kindest man I have ever know but he is not a pious man. Though he was christian follower yet never go to church or attending anything concerning with religion. I did wonder why and even asked him once when I was still a little kid but all he said; you will understand when you grew up. I understand very much now the reason. He never gossiped about other people though some people always talked bad about him. If people done injustice to him, he never complain though i knew he was sad and disappointed with certain people and I am one of those people who make him sad and disappointed.

My father was the one who asked my siblings to seek and search for me when I was missing, lost my way of life. My mother said he tried to play tough during those period of times yet he was crying every night just thinking of me and even fell sick for worrying too much about me and for that i regret every single thing I have done for causing his misery.

My father accepted me and still love me like before although my other family already considered me as the black sheep in the family after betraying my family trust and tarnished their reputation. My father forgave me and even supported me through my choice of life path. He become my adviser, motivated me to stand up and prove to all people that I still can raised from my fall. 

My father is my idol and will always be. I still remember our last conversation on the night before he was gone. He asked me to never give up no matter what happened because things happened for reason. Those 15min conversation through phone was the last conversation I have with him. (I couldn't even hug my father for the last time). My father was gone forever but to me he is always here close to my heart and i do believed he is up there watching over  me.

My other siblings might have their own story about him but this is my story about him.. But no matter what their story, I believed that all of my siblings love him dearly. He was the center of our life. Without him, we are not who we are now.

I only have 2 pics of my father but I don't need any pic to recall all of our memory together because it's right here in my mind and my heart.

4 years have passed

I’ll never forget the day

Someone rang to tell me

That you’d gone away

The hurt is the same

Still here in my heart
Like an open wound

Keep bleeding when those date approached

There are days
I don’t utter a sound
Some days the pain is stronger
It makes me sick and weak
I can’t stand the pain and regret

I just sit and weep

I was your princess

Daddy's little girl

I took my own path
But still you never cast me away

Yet I am still part of your world

You were like a rock

Strong, faithful and true

What worth has my life

Now I don’t have you

I was not the best

I even the worst

Guilty of neglect

But you know daddy dearest

I had so much respect for you

I always love you

My dad, my idol

Now my pain is
To miss you from afar

MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PEACE

Are you punishing or abusing your child??

Child abuse is not a new issues and I believe that it still happened somewhere out there right now when we are busy with our routine, there are still helpless children being punished more than they should be, more than they should endure..

Child abuse is the physical, sexual or emotional mistreatment of children. Reading the journal of child abuse and neglect online really give me pang of guilty because unconsciously me too have done something consider as abuse to my own children though all i intended to do is to punish them for their mischievousness. It never crossed to my mind that threatening them emotionally is considered as abusive. It's not like i threatening to kill them, i just said i will cut their finger if they do it again yet i never meant single words. I just said it to scared them off of repeating their mischief.

The journal really open my eyes and mind that there are load of other way into punishing and teaching our kids than starting to abuse them physically or emotionally. The journal said it better if we show them the example of result of their mischief might cause than punishing them. Kids tend to observe tender and gentle words than harsh and mean word..

A home should be a safe haven for our kids not a place where they cringed and hide because of insecurity by their own  flesh and blood. A home should be a place where our kids grow up with warmth of love and kindness.. I am planning to change the way of my approaching in teaching my kids what good and bad, what they can and can't do etc.


Shedding tears for those helpless kids is not enough and will never do good unless we are taking some action with it. We can begin with our own family. How can we preached about stopping child abuse when it does happened in our own family. Before we condemned and talked about other people, why not we ourselves understand the true definition of child abuse than you might surprised to know that you too have abuse your own child in the way that your never thought should be consider abusive. Remember that violence won't do any goods either on children or adult. It's only make thing worst..

Baby die at daycare centre & SIDS

Baby dies at daycare centre

I am surfing through the star online when this headline catch my attention.. Not again, i said to myself right after i read this title..

My 1st impression is the daycare center must be careless..

But after reading the news further, I feel a bit guilty for jump into conclusion before knowing the whole story.. and the story make me think of sudden death infant syndrome (SIDS)..

What is sudden death infant syndrome? Typically the infant is found dead after having been put to bed, and exhibits no signs of having suffered. However, it should only be applied to an infant whose death is sudden and unexpected and remains unexplained after the performance of an adequate postmortem investigation including:

1. an autopsy;
2. investigation of the scene and circumstances of the death;
3. exploration of the medical history of the infant and family

The cause of SIDS is unknown. Although studies have identified risk factors for SIDS, such as putting infants to bed on their stomachs, there has been little understanding of the syndrome's biological cause or potential causes. The frequency of SIDS appears to be a strong function of the infant's sex, age and ethnicity, and the education and socio-economic-status of the infant's parents.

In the case of above headlines, I really hope that the baby death is related to SIDS and nothing to do with the people who manage the daycare centre.. I have a kids being taken care by other people and news like this really terrified me.. People to whom we entrust our kids should carry their responsibility honestly..

8TH RAMADHAN IN MY LIFE..

I learn to fast for the 1st time on year 2002. Its really hard for me since i love to eat very much and training myself to stop thinking about delicious food is really hilarious experience. But Alhamdulillah, I managed to go through the whole month except for few exceptional days for woman.

Though i must confess that I am not a good Muslim because i am lack of knowledge about Islam in many aspect and still in process of learning but I know quite a lot about Ramadhan, thanks to my my mom-in-law and sis-in-law and also my husband..

This year is the 8th Ramadhan in my life and I am really excited about it..

Hopefully i will learn and redeem my self during this sacred month..

FAMILY PORTRAIT

Many people like to take a family portrait every single year for collection.. But I am not one of those people who like to keep family portrait. I was once like to keep one but now I don't really like to keep one.. I only cherish and keep few portrait as my valuable possession; the picture of my beloved mother and father, my siblings and my kids.. 

People may say I am hypocrite but I am not.. I have my own reason on why i don't like family portrait..

Don't believe what your see on those portrait.. Family Portrait hide a lot of secret and misery.. In those portrait you have to posse the best of you, faking smile and faking the happy expression thus deep inside your heart you  are raging with anger,pain and betrayal..

I loves the portrait of my kids because the smile from them is genuine and angelic...

My Baby Son's 1st Step.. A moment to remember

My baby son's is learning to walk!!! What a great and joyous news for me.
My 4th kid is a bit late in learning to walk than his brother and sister.. Maybe it's due to my habits putting him inside cot to prevent him from crawling all over our house while I am busy with the house work..

Maybe i missed his real 1st step but it's still make me happy to see him trying to walk..
It's still a moment that i will treasure.
 

"Ilyas Maliq, The Prince Of Smiling"

THE GIFT

by Melinda Poulsen

His little arms reach out to me 

When I walk in the room,

This special little spirit, yes

This child of my womb

 

The trusting smile he gives to me

While gazing in my eyes,

It causes me to feel as though

I've won the greatest prize

 

          The mischievous smile from his Daddy flashes

In his twinkling eyes,

The love I feel inside for him

So strong I cannot speak

 

I hold him close and kiss his brow

And whisper of my love,

I say a prayer of gratefulness

And send it up above

 

His Mother? What could I have done

To earn this gift, this right?
I'm still not sure, but I'll thank God

                                                           Each morning and each night.